Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Asshat Commonly Known As Prince

You know, as people get older, they start to make mistakes a lot easier. Take my beloved Opa for a second. Sure he has views that prevent anyone in my family from running for office for about fifty years and he could probably write an entire encyclopedia on Seinfeld and the works of Bugs Bunny, yet occasionally he'll be fixing something and injure himself to the point where Mad TV's Paul Timberman would wince in pain.

However, all the amputations, loss of blood and bee stings can't compare to the sheer buffoonery that is the existance of Prince Frederic Prinz von Anhalt or as I like to call him, Prince Frederic Prinz von Asshat.

Ah, we were just talking about you

First, let's just make something clear: He's not a real Prince. He was adopted as an adult by the daughter in law of a German emperor and has publically admitted that the title doesn't mean jack.

For those of you, Asshat is the husband of former actress/socialite Zsa Zsa Gabor. You've probably never heard of her or seen any of her movies. In fact the closest you ever got to seeing her in a movie was watching her sister Eva Gabor voice the character of Bianca in The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under.

Behold, the face that launched a thousand furries

So yeah, since it's not fifty years ago and her name isn't in the news anymore, Prince Asshat has decided that the best way to remind us that she's alive is to keep up to his namesake and to the most assinine things you can imagine. So let's just look over some of the more memorable aspects of Prince Asshat's exposure in the media.

1. "Call the Maury Show, I know I'm the father!": Remember back in 2007 when Anna Nicole Smith died and people where shocked that a gold-digging, bloated, alcoholic, drug abusing, no talent, Marilyn Monroe wannabe, died of an accidental overdose and decided that they would cover her funeral like she had actually contributed something to society?
(Well, to be fair, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have Stephanie Weir's hilarious portrayal of her on Mad TV)

Well, off course with Anna Nicole Smith being dead, there was great speculation about who the father of her daughter was. While my name was often tossed into the mix, one of the many who came forward claiming to be the father was Prince Frederic. Yeah, here's the thing, Anna Nicole Smith only nailed old men who had lots of money to leave her when they died two hours after marrying her. What's even more laughable is that he said that this affair went on for over ten years. Yeah, right, I'm sure you just kept telling her, "The cheque's in the mail."


Why is it people who dress up like the Joker always seem to die of an accidental overdose?

2. "They may have stolen my clothes, but they didn't steal my pride!!! I gave that away years ago...": Since the Anna Nicole story didn't get him his own reality show which he was probably secretly hoping for, later that year, his Royal Dumbness found himself in a most unusual situation. It seemed that while sitting in his Rolls-Royce, he was approached by three beautiful women who wanted to take pictures with.

Hoping that they would later die of an accidental OD, Asshat obliged, knowing that a picture might be used as evidence that he fathered one or all of their children. However, as soon as he opened the door he was robbed at gunpoint, stripped naked and bound him handcuffs. Despite no handcuffs being found at the scene of the crime, the assailants were never found.


OK, not even those freaks who pretended their kid was in the runaway balloon were this desperate for a reality series. No handcuffs were found, and yet despite taking all your stuff (clothes, ID, wallet), they just happened to leave behind your cellphone? You make these robbers out to be cunning and manipulative and the next second they're as stupid as you are. Try harder next time, or claim you're in a runaway balloon.

"Hello, ladies."


3. "Let's run for Governor like it's 2003!": Remember back in 2003 how California was having a recall election and everyone from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Gary Coleman to porn star Mary Carey ran for the position of Governor.


Well yeah, seven years after everyone stopped caring, Prince Asshat (I'm not going to stop calling him that) decided he would throw his own hat into the mix. His reasons were running were simple enough: There had been an Irish-American, Armenian-American and Austrian-American running the joint, so why not a German-American?


Buddy, why not just say the following: "This state has been governed by people who aren't celebrities, people who were celebrities, so why not someone who would sell their nutsack to the devil to be a celebrity?"
Oh he also added that California had the best beaches, oranges (Talk to Florida, dude), wine and (I'm not kidding) pot.


Sadly he had to drop out of the race due to his wife's ailing health. He may be an asshat but at least he's not a doucebag who would exploit her illnes to get sympathy votes.


4. "Get me my medicine. It's right next to the rat poison.": This happened just recently and to be honest, I nearly pissed myself when I read the story. A few days ago, hoping that the ghost of Christmas yet to come would finally reward him with a reality show, he accidently glued his eye shut.


Now, as I said earlier, when we get older, we make mistakes a lot easier but why in the name of god would you keep nail glue right next to your eye drops. Also, why in the hell wouldn't you look at what you're grabbing? What makes this even more stupid is the fact that he admitted that Zsa Zsa doesn't even use the nail glue anymore.

SO WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, ASSHAT!?


So yeah, in short, Prince Asshat is a danger to himself and most likely others and would be best kept under 24 hour guard in a room with padded walls and shock treatments every twelve hours. My only hope is that my own grandparents can age with grace and dignity and not one day accidently bruth their teeth with a jackhammer.


"There's nothing wrong with eating rotten fruit!"

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Best Christmas Specials Never!!!

I haven't been posting as much and that pisses me off because it means that once again, the only way I can get motivated to write is when my dad gets a letter to the editor published in the newspaper. This time my dad basically says that life should be like Grand Theft Auto and if he sees a man on a bicycle, he should have the right to run him over...and then back up and do it again.


Or something like that. Truth is I couldn't really pay too much attention to the letter since the sound of my blood boiling, due to being outdone by a man who has so much trouble operating the computer that I think the only piece of technology he is safe around is his electric toothbrush, was quite distracting.

Here we see my father on an everyday afternoon drive

Well, it's Christmastime right now. M'Lord and M'Lady put the tree up a few nights ago and every radio station from hell has decided that they will make our ears bleed with every godawful Christmas song from "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" (Nothing like a fatal hit and run to bring out the Christmas spirit) and "Last Christmas", perhaps the most awful Christmas song ever created. Dude, there's a reason she gave your heart away: YOUR SONG SUCKS ASS!!!


And of course, those timeless Christmas specials you see every December to remind you how cool it was when you were a kid. And also to remind you how crappy animation was back when my parents were kids, which for some reason, still holds up to this day.


Now on DVD, the timeless story of a beloved relative being murdered by a holiday icon on Christmas eve. Rated NC-17


But I keep thinking about Christmas themed episodes that we never got to see. As we all know, there are lots of scenes in movies and TV shows that are filmed but ultimately cut out. And in some cases there are episodes that are written and ready for production but they just never get around to filming. The outline/script is usually tossed aside never to be seen or heard from again unless WikiLeaks finds it or something.



However, thanks to my training with MI6, CIA, NSA, FBI, the League of Super-Ninjas from the year 8246 as well as a brief stint on the Enterprise-D, I've uncovered lost Christmas story outlines for classic shows you didn't even know existed. Let's take a look.



Yeah, Starfleet security really sucks when they lose to the floor


1. The Brady Bunch-A Very Mysterious Brady Christmas (Original intended air date: 12/14/73):

Boy, no one really liked Cousin Oliver. There were campaigns to write him out of the show however none went to the extreme lengths one writer took for this Christmas themed episode. The Brady family was to awaken Christmas morning, ready to open presents but quickly discover that Oliver is missing!

Moments later Carol Brady finds a note (Written in handwriting very similar to Bobby's) demanding a ransom of $118,000 to be delivered by Mike at a location which the kidnappers would later reveal. They were also warned that if they involved the police that Cousin Oliver would be killed. So naturally the Brady family drew straws and of all people, Alice won the opportunity to possibly put Oliver in jeopardy.

However once the police arrived, the officers in question asked the Brady family if any of their dumb asses bothered to look for Oliver's unlikable ass. Oliver would later be found by Greg, bound and gagged in the family's wine cellar. When questioned about what happened, Oliver would simply look at Bobby and say he couldn't remember. The episode ends with a nice turkey dinner which the police are invited to.

The episode was scrapped because it seemed too dark for a Christmas episode and the producers thought that it would be wrong to tease the audience with the hope of being rid of Oliver.

How could anyone want to harm this face?


2. Two and a Half Men-God Damn Us, Everyone (Original intended air date: 12/15/10):

Yes, the episode would have aired today, believe it or not. It lay in production hell but was found in early December of last year. Having already filmed the remaining episodes of 2009, the crew decided to put it on hold until next year.

The episode involved Charlie, Alan and Jake decide to get away for the holidays and spend Christmas at a nice resort in Colorado. However things go awry when Alan annoys Charlie to the point where he grabs a knife and threatens to kill his brother and nephew on Christmas day. Jake makes a frantic call to 911 and the police are later called and Charlie is arrested.

This episode never saw the light of day simply because the producers thought it would be art imitating life and that there was only so much of his sordid behaviour that Charlie was willing to poke fun at. That and there were no jokes unless you can find humour in Charlie Sheen threatening to kill family members on Christmas day...which I can.


"Come on, damn it, it's called METHOD ACTING!!!"


3. Full House-Aren't Jew Glad It's Christmas? (Original intended air date: 12/20/94):

Yes, even the worst TV show of all time had a Christmas episode that went unaired. When little Michelle tanner discovers that one of her classmates is Jewish, she learns about Hanukkah and the eight days of celebration.


Michelle, being the hell-spawn that she is, takes this to mean that if her family converted to Judaism, she could get more presents. Thus she spends the rest of the episode dressed as a hasidic, refusing to eat pork and constantly saying "Oy vey", in the hopes that the rest of her family will convert.


However, once her family finds out what she's up to, they quickly explain to her that the holidays are not about presents, but about family and that the love and togetherness you get from them is greater than any present.


Michelle lets her family know that she has learned her lesson but just to make sure she does, the Tanner family give all her presents away. The episode ends with the family eating a Christmas turkey...except Michelle, who is punished with a nice cold pig's foot.

The episode was seconds away from getting the greenlight until the writer of the episode decided that it would be funnier if he included a subplot where Uncle Joey's puppet, Mr. Woodchuck, revealed himself to be anti-Semetic. Naturally, this killed the episode.

"Me in a yarmulke? How RUDE!!!"

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Feel Free to Answer

Is the new internet pastime making fun of Tommy Wiseau?

"You are TEARING ME APART, Schweitzer-Man!!!"

Sunday, November 28, 2010

You Don't Need to See It to Know It Sucks

It's the weekend for me, which means I'm awake at ungodly hours. And since nothing is open aside from the 24/7 gas bars, I've decided that I would browse the internet looking for Christmas presents that I might want to get from willing family members this year.

I was planning on making a blog post about how I got wasted two weeks ago but decided against it because the way I was writing it sucked as well as it just seemed too detailed. So instead I'll give give you the Coles Notes version of my drunken drunkenness:

-I laugh like Amadeus when I'm drunk

-I seem to take great offense when not being allowed to pay for my share of food/drink

-I offered a toonie, though that it was rejected, only to find out that Aaron took it and bought coffee with it the next day

-I had trouble opening my wooden fence to get home

-Apparently Aaron and I are going to Las Vegas...someday, I guess.

-I have no idea what the hell I was drinking. I thought it was black but Aaron later told me that what I was drinking wasn't black in colour, but gold.

-I write the dumbest text messages when I'm drunk.


Insert retarded laughter here

However, me acting like my younger sister aside, I'd like to talk about something I once again saw on Youtube. No, not another banned Tiny Toons episode where Buster gets hooked on crystal meth. I'm talking about something that sounds even more ridiculous and in a fair world would be banned just as quickly.

Oh, GOD!!!!

Yes, it seems that once again Hollywood has decided to run their hands through precious childhood memories, rape them, abort them, cook it in a stew seasoned with their own feces and then serve it to us through our asses.

Wait, what am I talking about when I say 'childhood memories'? Yogi Bear wasn't a part of my childhood. I mean, yeah, I've heard of him but I never watched him. Hell, I doubt I've even watched a shitty Yogi Bear special that they aired during the 90's like they did with other Hanna Barbara series. Had I seen The Jetsons or The Flinstones? Oh, yeah, but not Yogi Bear. That was stuff my parents most likely watched when they were kids and I don't even think a person their age would want to see this film.

And honestly, why would anyone? Yogi Bear isn't relevant now, nor was he ever. Hell, the movie doesn't look very relevant, just watch the trailer. It's OK, go ahead, waste three minutes of your life.I wouldn't talk, asshole. Not even Bill Murray could help an unfunny movie adaptation of an unfunny comic strip

Well, now that you're back from that. What did we learn about this movie? Well, as I mentioned before, the rape of childhood memories for people in nursing homes but what else? Here are a few observations I've made.

1. Goddamn CGI-You know, I'm really getting tired of seeing live action mixed with CGI. It doesn't look real at all, it looks so out of place. It's not like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where there was an explination for the toons interacting with real people. Here, it just seems so fake and I wonder if I'm watching some alternate reality or something.


2. Justin Timberlake as Boo-Boo-I don't know why people make such a big deal out of Justin Timberlake. I'm not saying he's not talented but at the same time I think he is very overrated. And yet people keep putting him in movies for some reason that continues to baffle me.

Anyway, if you didn't notice before, it just doesn't sound like Justin Timberlake. I can believe that it is Dan Akroyd voicing Yogi because he's a comedian and they know how to do funny voices but with Timerlake, I just feel like his voice has been digitally altered. It's almost as if someone combined HAL 9000 and the boredom of an emo kid and put them in the body of a CGI bear.

Oh and if his voice is being digitally altered to the point where we can't recognize him, then what the fuck is point of casting him? Seriously, it's like in those shitty Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. What is the point of having Justin Long play Alvin if you can make anybody's voice go high pitch? Shit, I used to do it on an old tape recorder back when I was four. For Christ sake, why not just have that annoying Fred from Youtube play all of the chipmunks?


Just what do you think you're doing, Yogi?

3. Did Anyone Find The Plot?-I'm not joking. Usually when you have a trailer that's over two minutes, you have some idea of what the plot is about...well, a good trailer is like that. It gives you some idea. This, all it really is is just a bunch of gags about "pic-a-nics" and nothing else.

To the producers of this movie, we already know that this is going to suck ass, but you're reinforcing that fact when you hide the plot from everybody and try to cover it with a bunch of gags about food.


So yeah, I have to wonder, what in the hell happened to an original idea in Hollywood? I'm not joking, everything is either some shitty remake and every good original idea that comes around gets ass-raped by sequels that it diminishes how good the first one was. However, it doesn't look like you can top the shit pile that Yogi Bear will be.

Fock every focking focker who thinks this focking movie will be focking funny because it won't be! It'll focking suck like the first two!!!

OK...now that I got that out of my system...I'm sure that nothing in the next few months will be as unnecessary and facepalmingly awful as Little Fuckwads.


...Just focking kill me now

Saturday, November 6, 2010

DONKEY!!!

You don't need to be reminded that I'm a big Gordon Ramsay fan. I love his passion, his attitude and his sense of humour. And of course, the show that got me started on this adoration was Hell's Kitchen.


I've watched every season. I remember during the summer three years ago when I lived with my sister and her boyfriend how we would gather around my laptop and watch episodes that had been recently uploaded to YouTube while eating a dish that Ramsay himself had posted online like broccoli soup or sticky lemon chicken.

It looks like baby vomit!


Yes, I've been faithful to the show and for some reason it's doesn't seem to get stale or boring...except for this season. It's no fault of Ramsay because whether he's throwing a hot pan in someones face or complimenting them on a perfect risotto, he's always entertaining.


The chefs he has as contestants this season...they just suck so far as I'm concerned. I don't know, their personalities are either bland or bitchy and I really can't believe how quickly these so called men develop vaginas over the course of a few dinners. Plus, how can they screw up stuff that's been on the menu for almost every season. Sorry, but if you haven't got any idea on how to do scallops then you might as well have me take your place, cause I can do scallops.



"Those scallops look lovely, Schweitzer-Man. Service, please."



Plus, five minutes into the first episode and you knew something was off. It was so obvious that the contestants themselves had noticed it and were voicing their displeasure.
No Jean-Philippe.
What in the hell? Yeah, he's back in London working as a maitre'd at another Ramsay restaurant but come on. The dude said he'd never return to Europe and then he just ditches the loyal TV audience like that.


OK, well, he had his reasons and they were legit. But I'm sure that whomever they've got to replace him can surely live up to expectations and while not replace good ol' JP, can certainly be a worthy successor.

Oh...no!

This is what we've got as a substution for the immortal JP? His name is James and don't even ask me where he's from because I don't think his accent can figure it out either. With JP, everything he said, it had that bit of Frenchiness to it...even though he was from Belgium. But with James, it's like his accent is a mix of Texan, British, French and just a drop of Dutch.


Think I'm joking? In episode five of this season, the blue team is doing a punishment and folding laundry. One of the fat guy's pretends that it is a dress and begins flaunting around in it.
"Fat guy in a little table-cloth..." (Apologies to Chris Farley)
James sees this and is unamused. He says something but the problem is his accent at the time is in the mixer and nobody has provided subtitles. So what is he saying?

"Do not cease my lemmings"?
"Do not caress my lemons"?
"Do not increase my limits"?
"Do not crease mile eating"?
Turns out it was "Do not crease my linens" but in all honesty, we could have been here for hours guessing.


After a while, I was just getting bored with it and stopped watching it. However today, after finishing a bi-weekly assignment, I decided that I would spend the time necessary to catch up. Imagine my shock and disbelief when I found out that I hadn't missed everything because the show was on hiatus due to baseball.


So now, I'm not sure whether to count my blessings or if I should catch up on what I've missed on The Apprentice, which I'm surprised to discover I've enjoyed more than this season of Hell's Kitchen.

JP, we hardly knew thee

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Randy Quad Hoping to Outlive Career

It's easy to get hooked into conspiracies. Back in high school I was convinced that there had been one to kill JFK. These days, I'm not too sure about it but then again it's been a long time since I've looked at any of the material. One conspiracy theory I don't (notice the emphasis) believe in is that 9/11 was orchestrated by Bush so that he could invade Iraq.

I always found several problems with this theory:
1) So every other day of the year, Bush is some idiot who couldn't find America on a map but in the days before 9/11, he was planning this masterpiece of terrorism and deception that would make Dr. Doom weep with envy?

2) Why wouldn't he just put FAKE WMD's in Iraq that way if they didn't find any (Which is what happened), they could just plant one and say, "Hey look what we found! Justification!"

He's jealous because he had the exact same plan...except he was going to do it on September 12th

Anyway, I'm getting off track with what I really wanted to talk about. Recently there's been a lot of news about actor Randy Quaid and his wife fleeing to Canada because of legal trouble. Yeah, yeah, I must be bored if all I can write about in three weeks is Randy F'n Quaid.

For those of you who don't know, Randy Quaid is an American character actor. He worked for just one year on Saturday Night Live and appeared as Cousin Eddie in the National Lampoon Vacation movies. The fact that the man could tolerate working with Chevy Chase so many times is a testament to his willpower.

Well it seems that lately he and his wife have been getting into some legal trouble. They were arrested last year for defrauding an innkeeper and faced charges of living in a house without permission.

OK, fraud is a hard charge to beat but living in a house without permission? Shit, I've been doing that for the past 11 months and M'Lord and M'Lady still haven't made any legal action to have me removed. You got to know how to sweet-talk people, Randy. It helps if you give them lemonade mixed with ecstasy; it worked for me.



I've been told that ecstasy really brings out the lemon flavour

The Quaids were supposed to appear in court but instead the couple decided to flee to Canada. Oh, dear. Looks like Randy and his wife took the lemonade themselves; now they think that it's the late 1960's and that the court is actually Vietnam.

Well less than ten days ago the couple were arrested in Vancouver for violation of the Canadian Immigration and Refugee Protection Act. Apparently the couple are seeking refugee status because they fear that their lives are in danger. They cite the deaths of celebrity friends like David Carradine and Heath Ledger as evidence of a Hollywood Whacker who is targeting them.

Several problems with this Randy. First off, David Carradine died of autoerotic asphyxiation (Say that five times fast), something that two of his ex-wives confirmed was something that he practiced.

Second, you're Randy f'n Quaid. Name me two movies you've been in over the past five years and we'll see. Now granted, Carradine's death came after Kill Bill came out but he still had name recognition and was still acting. Heath Ledger died just after finishing The Dark Knight and was reported to have trouble sleeping which is why he was on medication.

And also, what does this Hollywood Hit-team gain from your death? Oh no, we won't get to see some shitty National Lampoon direct to DVD movie that you might have a ten minute cameo in?

Smile why don't ya?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Animators Were Drunk

I was born in the 1980's but most of my memories start around 1990. And unless you weren't around or an idiot, the 1990s had the best cartoons ever! You didn't realize it at the time because if you were like me, it was a cartoon and any cartoon was a good cartoon. But as you got older and with the advent of YouTube, you realized how amazing shows like Batman: The Animated Series, Animaniacs, Gargoyles and Pinky and the Brain were better than most of the stuff we've got today. Plus, you finally got some of the jokes you wouldn't get when you were four years old.

However one of the first cartoons I can remember watching was Tiny Toon Adventures, another beloved gem from the 1990s. This morning at around 5:30 (Shut up, I work odd hours and I have even odder hours when I'm not working), I was stumbling around YouTube looking for obscure videos when I saw a link to a video declaring itself to be a banned episode of Tiny Toon Adventures.


One of the many contributing factors of me being the man-child I am today

I clicked on it, expecting it to be a bad dubbing hoping to catch a little bit of notoriety like the guys who made The Juggernaut Bitch! but it turns out that no, what I'm seeing is real. A segment called One Beer where Buster, Plucky and Hamton find a bottle of beer, drink it and spend the rest of the episode totally wasted actually aired back in 1991.

I'm not kidding. Buster even says at one point, "Are we wasted or what? HAAAA!", which I find funny simply because it's a blue rabbit with a duck and a pig admitting they're drunk and also because Buster's line has become my younger sister's catchphrase.


What I also find hilarious is that it's clearly stated that this is the only beer that they've had. I mean, yeah, I'm a lightweight but holy hell, one beer, split between three cartoon animals and suddenly they make Amy Winehouse look like...uh, you know what, they're not as drunk as Amy Winehouse.


After Tiny Toons went off the air, Buster Bunny partied hard with Robert Downey Jr until an accidental overdose took his life in 2001


So you might be thinking, "OK, they get drunk, learn how damaging alcohol can be to their bodies and minds and in the end they vow never to drink again", right?
Wrong!
Instead, our heroes decide that they need to make life a lot more exciting by stealing a police car and pulling a DWI. Yeah, they're still drunk after splitting one bottle of beer three-ways and decide to steal a police car.

Why can't we have more cartoons like this? I'm not joking, air it in prime time and have all the stars of Tiny Toons just acting like total assholes, stealing cars, getting drunk, picking fights with people smaller than them. Why the hell isn't anyone making this a reality yet?

Plucky Duck made a decent living as an amateur photographer, however nothing could help his gambling addiction. He was later executed by a loan shark for failing to make payment


By now you're thinking, "OK, they steal a car, go on a high speed chase OJ style, get arrested and learn the evils of alcohol, right...right?"
Well if by that you mean they drive up a spiralling road and then fly off the edge to their deaths...then yeah, that's exactly what happens.

So, Buster, Plucky and Hamton are dead...or are they?
No, of course not. It turns out that they were just filming a sketch for the show...sorta like breaking the fourth wall. It turns out the whole episode dealt with PSA-ish type sketches including illiteracy and bullying.

After years of dealing with obesity and depression, Hamton J. Pig finally snapped and robbed a bank in 1997. He was later arrested and is currently serving 20 to life.

Naturally concerned parents freaked out because now children were watching their favourite cartoon characters get plastered and eventually kill themselves, so it was never aired again in the United States. So let's get this straight, we can show people getting hit with blunt objects which would cause severe brain damage and survivng explosions every other episode but once we show someone drinking, that's a step too far?

I don't see the harm in that segment and personally find it funny. It's not preachy, beating you over the head with it's message. Although to be fair, they should have warned kids not to start drinking until they were in high school and could get a fake ID.

And that last sentence is another reason why I should not be allowed to have children.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

That's the Chicago Way!

I'm 24 years old right now. I still consider myself pretty young and most people would agree that I act a lot younger than my age. I don't really look forward to getting old but after browsing the news today, I can't help but count the days until I turn 65. Because then I can shoot people...and get away with it. Come on, if it applies to her then certainly good ol' Schweitzer-Man should get the same deal in 2051.

Can you just imagine that? You're some young punk thinking you can fuck around with old man Alzheimer when all of a sudden-BANG!!!-you've been shot in the stomach and you're bleeding pretty badly. Not enough to kill you, but enough to make you wish you were dead.

"That's the Schweitzer way!"

The big kick that I get out of this is that the kid who got shot is the one who could be facing time behind bars. Actually, I'm not sure what's funnier, the fact that the kid could go to jail or that a lot of people in the neighbourhood are jealous that this old bag got to do it first.

And she gets off with not even a slap on the wrist. Holy shit, this has got to piss off those people who claim they drive halfway across town in their sleep to kill their mother-in-law.

Even cooler is that by the year 2051, weapons technology will have advanced so far that there will be all new ways to terrorize the little whippersnappers who try to mess with me. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the phasers from Star Trek are household items by that time. Those kids better hope they're not wearing a red shirt.

I told you stay off my lawn, you little bastard!

Monday, September 27, 2010

So You're NOT Joey?

Typecasting sucks. When I did acting I was usually typecast as the villain but that didn't bother me at all. It wasn't as if I was making a living from it, it was just amateur theatre. However if all you're known for is playing some brain dead asshat and as a result you can't get any work and people aren't sure whether you're dead or alive...then yeah, typecasting can suck.

No, no, I'm not picking on Jennifer Aniston again. I got enough flack from my dad for doing that. I haven't heard such a pathetic plea to leave a washed-up celebrity alone since Chris Crocker. Instead I'm focusing in on Matt Leblanc, who recently got pissed off simply because someone greeted him in a way similar to his character on Friends, Joey Tribbiani.

"Leave Jennifer alone! She's a HUMAN!!!"

Holy crap, Joe-I mean, Matt, lighten up. How do you know they're someone who didn't recognize you and were just given you a casual greeting? Shouldn't you be grateful that the person wanted to know if life was treating you good since Hollywood isn't?

But at the same time, I'm sure it's pretty frustrating that everybody knows you simply as "Joey". I mean, what's with people? There's no way that after playing the same character for ten years on a highly rated NBC sitcom and then going into your character's own self titled (and disastrous) spin-off series that people would only recognize you as that same character.

Well, God dammit, I'm on your side. Matt LeBlanc is not just Joey but he's...uh...hang on, let's see what IMDB can find for us...ah, here we go. In 1996, LeBlanc stepped in for Marlon Brando and took the lead role in the movie Ed, a film about a monkey that becomes a pitcher for a baseball team.

Shouldn't LeBlanc's name be above him and not the monkey?

Sure the movie was a flop at the box office and your monkey co-star was said to show more emotional depth than you, but dammit this is a start.

OK...next we have...well, this is sort of good and sort of bad. As we all know, in 1997 and 1998, the big movie on the mind of everybody was one of the worst films of all time, Titanic. For a movie about a ship that sank on it's first voyage, this film stayed around longer than necessary and was number one at the box-office until a film based off a 1960's TV show starring a certain friend (Ha...ha) came and sank it.

Unfortunately that film was Lost in Space.

Wow, they all look so vapid and uninteresting. How could film possibly suck?

I remember seeing this movie in theatres when it came out. It was cool to look at but at the same time it was just so stupid. I don't wanna sound like I'm ripping off the Nostalgia Critic, but I agree with him when he says that this movie is bad on the same levels as Batman and Robin.

Hmm...both films were crap, yet George Clooney still has a career. Perhaps LeBlanc should have done what Clooney did and constantly refer to himself as the character he portrayed. Clooney was still calling himself Batman even after the Chris Nolan films came out, so why couldn't LeBlanc have called himself...who did he play again? Oh, right Major Don West. You have only yourself to blame for this mistake, Joey-I mean, Matt.

"Nobody ask me 'How you doin...', alright? I'm late for my job at the Post Office."

Then there was the film Charlie's Angels. I looked on Wikipedia and nowhere does it even mention your character in the plot...so yeah, best to just ignore that...and the sequel.

And that's it. That's all you've done and it's all crap. So you can't be pissed off when people recognize you as the character in the one piece of entertainment that wasn't a piece of shit...even though Friends was really stupid.

Hey, hold on, IMDB, has you listed as a producer. Now that's a step in the right direction. Everyone rips Ben Afflek's acting but he does good work as a director. So, what blockbuster film has your name on it as a producer?


Budget: $47,000,000.
Box Office Gross: $10,547,117

Oh, I had no idea, I'm so sorry, I'm just going to stop right now before I drive you deeper into depression.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Updates and stuff...

A new blog post in less than a week? Surely there must be something wrong with me. Well, you're kinda right. All last week I had a sore throat and possible fever that left me coughing like I had given up smoking for the first time since exiting the womb.


Naturally, I tried to stay hydrated but this of course resulted in more phlegm and since I'm a typical lazy bastard, I decided to discard the mucus in a bottle of Brisk Fruit Punch. Now of course, since I'm feeling better, I no longer need the bottle however I am afraid that the phlegm in the bottle may have mutated into something similar to the slime in Ghostbusters II. Releasing it could suck all of Calgary down into the 7th layer of hell: Edmonton.

I should get a medal since I didn't let this happen


Now, you'd think after a week of coughing up slime, that I would be cured. And you're right. But then of course, come Monday morning, I wake up with a stiff neck. Now I've had them before but this probably ranks as the second worst I've had. It was like someone replaced my neck with the Tin-Man's leg and then injected Viagra into my neck. Seriously, you could swing a scimitar at my neck and it wouldn't budge.

Of course I am all better now but with these recent bouts of sickness, I've lost weight which isn't good considering that the average obese toddler has more weight in their ass than I do in my entire body.

I thought people were supposed to be starving in China


Anyway, since I already run around work like a horse, run at the gym like a gazelle and a metabolism which on it's worst day is still faster than Usain Bolt on his best day, I decided to follow some advice I was given and buy a tub of ice cream for myself. It's strange but considering what a sugar addict I am, I haven't really touched it. Perhaps I'm afraid I'll turn into some fat slob and just sit around watching soap operas.


Ben and Jerry's: The closest Rosie O'Donnell ever gets to having a threeway with two men


At the moments M'Lord and M'Lady are probably on their way back from vacation to...wherever the fuck it is they go. I'm being honest, I have no idea where they go or what they do. All I know is this: They ask me to watch the dogs and make sure they're fed...and then don't leave me any food to feed them!!!



It would be like if I said, "Hey, while I'm gone, feel free to use my car to go wherever you want" but then when you get in you find that I didn't leave any gas in the tank.
Their daughter has a word for that kind of arrangement: "Poop!"


Joke's on you...I don't even own a car

For some reason I want to write about MasterChef now that they just aired the season finale but I don't feel that I would do any good. Mostly it would be me bashing that smug jackass David Miller. Now, I know, I am the embodiment of the term "smug jackass" but I can turn it off. Plus I'm likable...at least I think I am.


And there's also the new season of The Apprentice. While I normally liked the show in the first three seasons, the more it went on the more tiresome it became. Plus when he's got his own kids helping him make business decisions...yeah, it just doesn't float. Sorry, Donald, but you and your kids and your bad hair have to go.

"Your mother-I mean, 'you're fired'!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Vote for Pedro, I mean Bieber

Most people who know me know that I take a big interest in American politics. I have ever since 9/11 and it's probably what got me interested in paying attention to the news and into journalism. It lead to me acting like an absolute know-it-all jackass in my Politics class.


And one thing you may not know about me is that I don't like Justin Beiber.
At all. I don't understand the appeal and I don't understand why he's got people like Usher and Ludacris appearing in his music videos. Does he have footage of them engaging in gay sex or murdering someone?
Plus, why are girls going nuts about him? Do they even look at this guy? Every time I see him, I think I'm looking at Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.


"I've seen Usher do things you don't wanna know about!"

I'm not one of these psychos who want him to die a horrible death, I just wish he would sound like he's hit puberty when he's singing about how he's in love with a girl. Look, I'm sure he's a very nice guy but...I don't know, he just seems very wimpy.


Anyway, I'm getting off subject. With the 2010 midterm elections coming up in November, it's becoming more and more clear that the Republicans are going to take back most of the seats they lost four years ago as well as gaining some new ones. Quite a turnaround considering that after 2008 people thought the Republican party was obsolete.


With the Obamamentum (Someone see if that word's trademarked or not) over with, the Democrats are getting more and more desperate but the strategy of blaming George W. Bush doesn't seem to be working like it has in past years. So, in their own desperation, they decided that the best way to appeal to the American voter would be to use an underage Canadian.


Yeah, now that you're back from that and changed your pants since you most likely pissed them, let's go over a few things.


I guess he watched the video...

Why is this in black and white? You're trying to hard to be edgy. Just show it in colour, stop being so pretentious. It's a dumb political commercial, not Schindler's List. And for God's sake, why do you have twenty people speaking to me? One spokesman wasn't enough, you had to give each one a five second snippet before cutting to another hipster turd?

It starts out with some guy who looks like he's trying way too hard to look like Seth McFarlane who says, "This isn't your standard election year video of celebrities asking you to vote."
Thank God. The last thing I wanna see in my commercials is some has-been actor from the 80's reminding us that they're still alive and then telling us what choices we should make.

"It's us. Asking you to vote for celebrities who can't."
If they can't vote, then they're shit outta luck.
"Celebrities like Justin Beiber."
WHAT!?
Why the fuck should anyone worry about Justin Beiber in this election? He hasn't lost his job, or in any danger of losing it at least until his balls drop? Seriously, I know Obama's kinda out of touch but Christ almighty.
Oh and it seems the smug has gone to your brain because if you did any research you would know that JUSTIN BIEBER IS CANADIAN!!!

Cut to footage of Bieber being chased by a crowd of screaming girls and then back to some chick who looks way too hot to be saying the stupid shit that comes out of her mouth.
"Yet whomever we vote for in the 2010 midterm elections will impact his future."

How? He's not going to care. Seriously, why don't you just make a commercial that says, "Republicans don't like Justin Bieber and shall kill his followers." Do, I care about his future? No, he's got his millions upon millions while some people are trying to figure out whether they should pay the bills or buy groceries.
Hey, why not say something smart like, "Whomever we vote for will impact all our futures"?

Cut back to fans cheering about him and then cut back to some homely looking chick who finally says, "And ours."
But the thing is, after that last hot chick, you were expecting you'd see her again, but they got...the other girl and you recoil in disbelief and shock, therefore probably missing her message.

Cut to footage of Bieber being hit on stage by a projectile and then cut back to the speakers.
"Members of congress may have the power to vote for or against legislation but we have the power to vote for or against every one of them."
You know, this is common knowledge if you're not an idiot.

"So tell your parents."
Make me, jerk.
"Your grandparents."
I said, 'make me', asshat.
"Your Facebook friends."
You don't tell me what to do...

"Your friends from karate class."

I don't do karate. I do boxing and you sound like you need a left hook to the liver!
"Your MySpace friends."
Nobody has MySpace anymore! What is this 2005?
"Your sisters."
If I tell my sisters anything it'll be that my parents have always loved me more than them.
"Your brothers."
I don't have any brothers. Jesus Christ, how big did you think my house was growing up? Where the hell would we put all those kids who my parents didn't love as much as me?

"Your step-brother."
I don't have one and if I did, I wouldn't speak to him.
"Your Jonas Brother."
My...what? Seriously, you're looking to get a liver punch soon.
"Tell everyone. To vote again in 2010."
And what am I supposed to do if they don't? Murder them?
"If they won't do it for you..."
You're gonna say murder them, aren't you? Oh my god, you sick bastards...
"Ask them to do it for Bieber."
Oh my god, you sick bastards...if they're old and smart enough to vote, then I don't think they give two shits about Bieber.

The commercial finally fades away to a disclaimer which says, "Not withstanding his great head of hair, Justin Bieber is an underage citizen of Canada and thus is ineligible to vote in these United States."
Why don't you just say, "We're stupid asshats, ignore everything we just said."
You'd think it'd be the end but then it cuts back to one of the speakers who whispers into the camera, "I love you, Bieber."
No, that's not creepy at all. And I'm sure that sticky stuff on your hands is just glue. That's what I'm telling myself.

How the hell can these people expect the American people to be swayed by that? No kid is going to tell their parent to vote for the benefit of Justin Bieber. Oh yes, your dad just got laid off and mom is working two jobs just to try and make ends meet, but we've got to do this for Justin Bieber. Was this commercial made by Joe Biden? Doubt that, the man can barely count.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Babies...they make you wanna go "KA-BOOM-DE-AH-DA!!!"

I have a feeling that the people who do commercials for Discovery Channel are going to tune it down with the "Boom-De-Ah-Da" song considering some bat shit crazy environmentalist tried to blow up the network's headquarters a few days ago. I guess he thought they were saying "Ka-Boom-De-Ah-Da".

This guy, James Lee, was later shot to death by police after a standoff that lasted a couple hours. He held several people hostage because he was really pissed about Discovery's lineup and how they weren't doing enough to save the planet. From the sounds of it, he seems to be a pissed off fan of Captain Planet who thought that the power was his...get it? Well, anyway, he didn't like shows such as Deadliest Catch and Cash Cab.

See, maybe if you watched shows like Cash Cab, you'd smile once in a while

He was looking for Discovery to be helping to save the planet but in his mind it was destroying it with shows like I previously mentioned. Well, here's the thing, dumbass, the network is called The Discovery Channel, not the "Save the Planet for Fat Emo Environmentalists Channel". Here's the thing, people like watching shows like Deadliest Catch, Cash Cab, Mythbusters and How's It Made.

They want to DISCOVER new things that they had never known before. We all know that environmentalist pricks like you just want to put panic into people and basically rule the world with an iron fist. Now don't start jumping down my throat, why don't you read the bullshit that would make a Scientologist scream, "Fuck me, you're nutty!"

I know it's lengthy but I'll sum it up for you with three words: HE HATES BABIES!!!!

Even this baby? Yeah. Especially this baby.

He just goes on and on about "disgusting human babies" to the point where it sounds like you're reading the orders of an alien overlord who has taken control of this planet but wants to reduce the chances of a slave uprising by the humans. Can I ask what's so special about baby rats? Or baby squids?

Sorry, dude, but you should adjust your attitude towards the human race like I did towards Justin Beiber. Yeah, like the human race he can be pretty annoying at times, often wasting time doing nothing, and just plain confusing. But the thing is, he's here, nothing I can do to make him leave, might as well live with it. The same goes for humans.

He even goes off on a tangent about illegal immigration and "anchor babies" and how we should get rid of them. This is coming from a man who spent time in prison for smuggling an illegal immigrant into this country. Way to set an example for any pathetic followers you were able to get, dickhead.

So that woman got into the USA, probably settled down, got married and then had kids before Arizona kicked her ass out. Way to go, genius, you contributed to what you were trying to prevent!

I don't get why you're so against babies. Yeah, they don't contribute much in terms of conversation, have trouble holding their crap in, have a tendency to be fussy and can sometimes throw up, causing you to throw up the following night. My landlord's baby did that to me once; I got over it by the time I finished my five minute/five pound weight loss program (Which is a fancy term for vomiting)

I know that this isn't going to do any good for him now that he's dead, but for anyone else out there who worries too much about things out of their control and believes that babies pose a greater threat to this planet than the Klingons, I'll give you a short list of ways you can help decrease the baby population without resorting to violence!

Defeat the babies! The battle will be glorious and bring honour to your house. Qapla!

1) Castration-This might be difficult for some of you crazies out there...especially if you're a woman, but guys, you have to man up for the last time cause the balls have to go. No gonads, no goddamn kids. Remember, let the knife do the work.

2) Arranged Marriage Scam-Where am I going with this? Well, take a look at at the picture I posted earlier of James Lee. Yeah...not nice. Now imagine if that guy scammed you into believing that you two had entered an arranged marriage. Would you want to do it with that guy? No way, you'd rather be taking it from the Klingons. No sex with the man you think is your partner for life, no babies.

3) Go Into a Building Armed With Guns and Explosives Because You Don't Like What You See on TV and Hope the Police Shoot to Kill-It worked for James Lee

Sunday, August 29, 2010

You Have To Go Now

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with people who can't take a hint. On one hand it annoys me that they can't see the obvious when it is put right in front of them time after time after time and it makes me want to bash their head open with a snow shovel since the truth isn't doing much good.
One the other hand, if they did take the hint, I would have nothing to write about and lay around my apartment in my underwear while watching episodes of Batman: The Animated Series and feasting on gummy worms.

Behold! The secret to my girlish figure

Which brings us to today's subject: Jennifer Aniston. First let me start off by saying that I never liked the show Friends. I thought it was stupid. The characters were stupid. And I literally mean that; it seemed that every character on this show was a few IQ points from drooling and the inability to control their bowels.

I don't know how a show about stupid people in stupid situations in a reality where no black people live in New York could stay on for ten years, but it managed. And when it went off the air a big sigh escaped my mouth. No longer would I have to see previews for their shitty finale and speculation about whether the ratings for the finale would beat the record set by M*A*S*H*.

So with your once popular TV show now off the air and your desire to stay relevant as strong as ever, naturally the smart move is to go into movies. It mostly worked for Aniston cause her husband at the time was Brad Pitt and if he can't get you a job, you might as well just put your resume in at Foot Locker and join the original cast of Degrassi High.

"Who still has a career? That's right, me. Eat it, Jeremiah!"

But as we all know Brad Pitt got tired of Jennifer Aniston and decided to ditch her for Angelina Jolie and piss off every single guy alive. Not that I blame him however. True, I think Jolie is a home wrecker but if I was living with Jennifer Aniston, it could have been a wrecking ball for all I care, just get her away from me.

Now, some of you may think, "Schweitzer-Man, you're being a jackass saying that Aniston was getting in movies because she was married to Brad Pitt."


First off, I'm always a jackass. If this surprises you then I'll let George Takei sum up my feelings towards you. Second, have any of the other cast members of Friends been seen working since 2004? Hell, has David Schwimmer been seen alive since 2004? Oh sure, Matthew Perry had that shitty Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip show on NBC for about four hours but we all know he was just back to playing Chandler.


Let's face it, all Jennifer Aniston has done since Friends went off the air has churn out crap after crap after crap followed by crap with Vince Vaughn to promote their sham of a relationship. But lately she's been appearing more and more. It's like she realizes that no one really cares about her anymore and couldn't care less if she forgives Angelina and is trying to get as much cash as possible before appearing on Dancing with the Stars. Here's a thought, Jennifer. Why don't you star in something other than a shitty romantic comedy?

Bateman's face has me convinced he's thinking, "Smells salty but I bet it's OK to drink."

Go on Broadway or do an independent movie. Or go away. Seriously, what you're doing right now just isn't working. I'm sure you wish it was 1998 again and you were the star of NBC's best comedy and you were married to one of Hollywood's top leading men. But he's moved onto bigger and hotter things while you just keep churning out crap.

I did like you in Office Space. Try appearing in movie's that have original scripts.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Back Home...by that I mean Calgary

After a week in humid Ontario, I'm back in my comfortable basement apartment, munching on a late meal of Burger King. It was a nice, relaxing time with my family but it has made me come to the conclusion that no one in my family has much luck when it comes to flying. Now granted, I did have trouble getting into Toronto last Saturday but goddammit, I saw something on the wing trying to sabotage us! I don't care if William Shatner is the only one who believes me, it happened.

The next time Shatner looked at something this horrible, he watched Star Trek: Generations

Not much has changed in the neighborhood where I grew up except that there are a lot more windmills around than the last time I was there. In fact, there were no windmills. Holy crap were there a lot of them. Sad thing was none of them were moving.

"They look like TIE Fighters," observed my dad as we were driving into Essex.
Ooh, nice try to nerd it up, Dad, but to the more experienced and seasoned dork, these windmills clearly look more like Shuttle Tydirium from Return of the Jedi.

This looks like the windmills in Essex County...


...while this does not.

It was nice to see my whole family on both sides as well considering that closest I get to a family are the few glimpses I get of my landlords now that I work midnights and their two babies who will jabber non stop if you let them though when they do it's quite funny.

One thing that I really missed (to the amazement of my cousin who couldn't have cared less) was the discussions that my father's side of the family has with each other. It leads to arguments, clashes of ideology and philosophy, statements that if captured on film would prevent any member of my family from running for office. But in the end it all ends with us hugging, saying goodbye and treasuring the time that we have together.

Of course my mother had to cry at the airport. To throw fuel on the fire that was her sorrow I was tempted to bring along a baby picture to show off my divine cuteness but decided not to risk it considering she would claim I was an Al-Qaeda operative and that it wasn't an alarm clock I was bring back, just to keep me a little longer.

How could you say 'goodbye' to that face?

"I'll miss cooking with you," she sobbed. One thing about both sides of my family is that we know good food and we know how to make it. My last night consisted off a turkey dinner to make up for all the holidays I had misssed. However, I do plan to get back this December in time for Christmas.

Not your standard Saturday night dinner but that's why my family kicks ass