Sunday, August 29, 2010

You Have To Go Now

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with people who can't take a hint. On one hand it annoys me that they can't see the obvious when it is put right in front of them time after time after time and it makes me want to bash their head open with a snow shovel since the truth isn't doing much good.
One the other hand, if they did take the hint, I would have nothing to write about and lay around my apartment in my underwear while watching episodes of Batman: The Animated Series and feasting on gummy worms.

Behold! The secret to my girlish figure

Which brings us to today's subject: Jennifer Aniston. First let me start off by saying that I never liked the show Friends. I thought it was stupid. The characters were stupid. And I literally mean that; it seemed that every character on this show was a few IQ points from drooling and the inability to control their bowels.

I don't know how a show about stupid people in stupid situations in a reality where no black people live in New York could stay on for ten years, but it managed. And when it went off the air a big sigh escaped my mouth. No longer would I have to see previews for their shitty finale and speculation about whether the ratings for the finale would beat the record set by M*A*S*H*.

So with your once popular TV show now off the air and your desire to stay relevant as strong as ever, naturally the smart move is to go into movies. It mostly worked for Aniston cause her husband at the time was Brad Pitt and if he can't get you a job, you might as well just put your resume in at Foot Locker and join the original cast of Degrassi High.

"Who still has a career? That's right, me. Eat it, Jeremiah!"

But as we all know Brad Pitt got tired of Jennifer Aniston and decided to ditch her for Angelina Jolie and piss off every single guy alive. Not that I blame him however. True, I think Jolie is a home wrecker but if I was living with Jennifer Aniston, it could have been a wrecking ball for all I care, just get her away from me.

Now, some of you may think, "Schweitzer-Man, you're being a jackass saying that Aniston was getting in movies because she was married to Brad Pitt."


First off, I'm always a jackass. If this surprises you then I'll let George Takei sum up my feelings towards you. Second, have any of the other cast members of Friends been seen working since 2004? Hell, has David Schwimmer been seen alive since 2004? Oh sure, Matthew Perry had that shitty Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip show on NBC for about four hours but we all know he was just back to playing Chandler.


Let's face it, all Jennifer Aniston has done since Friends went off the air has churn out crap after crap after crap followed by crap with Vince Vaughn to promote their sham of a relationship. But lately she's been appearing more and more. It's like she realizes that no one really cares about her anymore and couldn't care less if she forgives Angelina and is trying to get as much cash as possible before appearing on Dancing with the Stars. Here's a thought, Jennifer. Why don't you star in something other than a shitty romantic comedy?

Bateman's face has me convinced he's thinking, "Smells salty but I bet it's OK to drink."

Go on Broadway or do an independent movie. Or go away. Seriously, what you're doing right now just isn't working. I'm sure you wish it was 1998 again and you were the star of NBC's best comedy and you were married to one of Hollywood's top leading men. But he's moved onto bigger and hotter things while you just keep churning out crap.

I did like you in Office Space. Try appearing in movie's that have original scripts.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Back Home...by that I mean Calgary

After a week in humid Ontario, I'm back in my comfortable basement apartment, munching on a late meal of Burger King. It was a nice, relaxing time with my family but it has made me come to the conclusion that no one in my family has much luck when it comes to flying. Now granted, I did have trouble getting into Toronto last Saturday but goddammit, I saw something on the wing trying to sabotage us! I don't care if William Shatner is the only one who believes me, it happened.

The next time Shatner looked at something this horrible, he watched Star Trek: Generations

Not much has changed in the neighborhood where I grew up except that there are a lot more windmills around than the last time I was there. In fact, there were no windmills. Holy crap were there a lot of them. Sad thing was none of them were moving.

"They look like TIE Fighters," observed my dad as we were driving into Essex.
Ooh, nice try to nerd it up, Dad, but to the more experienced and seasoned dork, these windmills clearly look more like Shuttle Tydirium from Return of the Jedi.

This looks like the windmills in Essex County...


...while this does not.

It was nice to see my whole family on both sides as well considering that closest I get to a family are the few glimpses I get of my landlords now that I work midnights and their two babies who will jabber non stop if you let them though when they do it's quite funny.

One thing that I really missed (to the amazement of my cousin who couldn't have cared less) was the discussions that my father's side of the family has with each other. It leads to arguments, clashes of ideology and philosophy, statements that if captured on film would prevent any member of my family from running for office. But in the end it all ends with us hugging, saying goodbye and treasuring the time that we have together.

Of course my mother had to cry at the airport. To throw fuel on the fire that was her sorrow I was tempted to bring along a baby picture to show off my divine cuteness but decided not to risk it considering she would claim I was an Al-Qaeda operative and that it wasn't an alarm clock I was bring back, just to keep me a little longer.

How could you say 'goodbye' to that face?

"I'll miss cooking with you," she sobbed. One thing about both sides of my family is that we know good food and we know how to make it. My last night consisted off a turkey dinner to make up for all the holidays I had misssed. However, I do plan to get back this December in time for Christmas.

Not your standard Saturday night dinner but that's why my family kicks ass