Wednesday, September 29, 2010

That's the Chicago Way!

I'm 24 years old right now. I still consider myself pretty young and most people would agree that I act a lot younger than my age. I don't really look forward to getting old but after browsing the news today, I can't help but count the days until I turn 65. Because then I can shoot people...and get away with it. Come on, if it applies to her then certainly good ol' Schweitzer-Man should get the same deal in 2051.

Can you just imagine that? You're some young punk thinking you can fuck around with old man Alzheimer when all of a sudden-BANG!!!-you've been shot in the stomach and you're bleeding pretty badly. Not enough to kill you, but enough to make you wish you were dead.

"That's the Schweitzer way!"

The big kick that I get out of this is that the kid who got shot is the one who could be facing time behind bars. Actually, I'm not sure what's funnier, the fact that the kid could go to jail or that a lot of people in the neighbourhood are jealous that this old bag got to do it first.

And she gets off with not even a slap on the wrist. Holy shit, this has got to piss off those people who claim they drive halfway across town in their sleep to kill their mother-in-law.

Even cooler is that by the year 2051, weapons technology will have advanced so far that there will be all new ways to terrorize the little whippersnappers who try to mess with me. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the phasers from Star Trek are household items by that time. Those kids better hope they're not wearing a red shirt.

I told you stay off my lawn, you little bastard!

Monday, September 27, 2010

So You're NOT Joey?

Typecasting sucks. When I did acting I was usually typecast as the villain but that didn't bother me at all. It wasn't as if I was making a living from it, it was just amateur theatre. However if all you're known for is playing some brain dead asshat and as a result you can't get any work and people aren't sure whether you're dead or alive...then yeah, typecasting can suck.

No, no, I'm not picking on Jennifer Aniston again. I got enough flack from my dad for doing that. I haven't heard such a pathetic plea to leave a washed-up celebrity alone since Chris Crocker. Instead I'm focusing in on Matt Leblanc, who recently got pissed off simply because someone greeted him in a way similar to his character on Friends, Joey Tribbiani.

"Leave Jennifer alone! She's a HUMAN!!!"

Holy crap, Joe-I mean, Matt, lighten up. How do you know they're someone who didn't recognize you and were just given you a casual greeting? Shouldn't you be grateful that the person wanted to know if life was treating you good since Hollywood isn't?

But at the same time, I'm sure it's pretty frustrating that everybody knows you simply as "Joey". I mean, what's with people? There's no way that after playing the same character for ten years on a highly rated NBC sitcom and then going into your character's own self titled (and disastrous) spin-off series that people would only recognize you as that same character.

Well, God dammit, I'm on your side. Matt LeBlanc is not just Joey but he's...uh...hang on, let's see what IMDB can find for us...ah, here we go. In 1996, LeBlanc stepped in for Marlon Brando and took the lead role in the movie Ed, a film about a monkey that becomes a pitcher for a baseball team.

Shouldn't LeBlanc's name be above him and not the monkey?

Sure the movie was a flop at the box office and your monkey co-star was said to show more emotional depth than you, but dammit this is a start.

OK...next we have...well, this is sort of good and sort of bad. As we all know, in 1997 and 1998, the big movie on the mind of everybody was one of the worst films of all time, Titanic. For a movie about a ship that sank on it's first voyage, this film stayed around longer than necessary and was number one at the box-office until a film based off a 1960's TV show starring a certain friend (Ha...ha) came and sank it.

Unfortunately that film was Lost in Space.

Wow, they all look so vapid and uninteresting. How could film possibly suck?

I remember seeing this movie in theatres when it came out. It was cool to look at but at the same time it was just so stupid. I don't wanna sound like I'm ripping off the Nostalgia Critic, but I agree with him when he says that this movie is bad on the same levels as Batman and Robin.

Hmm...both films were crap, yet George Clooney still has a career. Perhaps LeBlanc should have done what Clooney did and constantly refer to himself as the character he portrayed. Clooney was still calling himself Batman even after the Chris Nolan films came out, so why couldn't LeBlanc have called himself...who did he play again? Oh, right Major Don West. You have only yourself to blame for this mistake, Joey-I mean, Matt.

"Nobody ask me 'How you doin...', alright? I'm late for my job at the Post Office."

Then there was the film Charlie's Angels. I looked on Wikipedia and nowhere does it even mention your character in the plot...so yeah, best to just ignore that...and the sequel.

And that's it. That's all you've done and it's all crap. So you can't be pissed off when people recognize you as the character in the one piece of entertainment that wasn't a piece of shit...even though Friends was really stupid.

Hey, hold on, IMDB, has you listed as a producer. Now that's a step in the right direction. Everyone rips Ben Afflek's acting but he does good work as a director. So, what blockbuster film has your name on it as a producer?


Budget: $47,000,000.
Box Office Gross: $10,547,117

Oh, I had no idea, I'm so sorry, I'm just going to stop right now before I drive you deeper into depression.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Updates and stuff...

A new blog post in less than a week? Surely there must be something wrong with me. Well, you're kinda right. All last week I had a sore throat and possible fever that left me coughing like I had given up smoking for the first time since exiting the womb.


Naturally, I tried to stay hydrated but this of course resulted in more phlegm and since I'm a typical lazy bastard, I decided to discard the mucus in a bottle of Brisk Fruit Punch. Now of course, since I'm feeling better, I no longer need the bottle however I am afraid that the phlegm in the bottle may have mutated into something similar to the slime in Ghostbusters II. Releasing it could suck all of Calgary down into the 7th layer of hell: Edmonton.

I should get a medal since I didn't let this happen


Now, you'd think after a week of coughing up slime, that I would be cured. And you're right. But then of course, come Monday morning, I wake up with a stiff neck. Now I've had them before but this probably ranks as the second worst I've had. It was like someone replaced my neck with the Tin-Man's leg and then injected Viagra into my neck. Seriously, you could swing a scimitar at my neck and it wouldn't budge.

Of course I am all better now but with these recent bouts of sickness, I've lost weight which isn't good considering that the average obese toddler has more weight in their ass than I do in my entire body.

I thought people were supposed to be starving in China


Anyway, since I already run around work like a horse, run at the gym like a gazelle and a metabolism which on it's worst day is still faster than Usain Bolt on his best day, I decided to follow some advice I was given and buy a tub of ice cream for myself. It's strange but considering what a sugar addict I am, I haven't really touched it. Perhaps I'm afraid I'll turn into some fat slob and just sit around watching soap operas.


Ben and Jerry's: The closest Rosie O'Donnell ever gets to having a threeway with two men


At the moments M'Lord and M'Lady are probably on their way back from vacation to...wherever the fuck it is they go. I'm being honest, I have no idea where they go or what they do. All I know is this: They ask me to watch the dogs and make sure they're fed...and then don't leave me any food to feed them!!!



It would be like if I said, "Hey, while I'm gone, feel free to use my car to go wherever you want" but then when you get in you find that I didn't leave any gas in the tank.
Their daughter has a word for that kind of arrangement: "Poop!"


Joke's on you...I don't even own a car

For some reason I want to write about MasterChef now that they just aired the season finale but I don't feel that I would do any good. Mostly it would be me bashing that smug jackass David Miller. Now, I know, I am the embodiment of the term "smug jackass" but I can turn it off. Plus I'm likable...at least I think I am.


And there's also the new season of The Apprentice. While I normally liked the show in the first three seasons, the more it went on the more tiresome it became. Plus when he's got his own kids helping him make business decisions...yeah, it just doesn't float. Sorry, Donald, but you and your kids and your bad hair have to go.

"Your mother-I mean, 'you're fired'!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Vote for Pedro, I mean Bieber

Most people who know me know that I take a big interest in American politics. I have ever since 9/11 and it's probably what got me interested in paying attention to the news and into journalism. It lead to me acting like an absolute know-it-all jackass in my Politics class.


And one thing you may not know about me is that I don't like Justin Beiber.
At all. I don't understand the appeal and I don't understand why he's got people like Usher and Ludacris appearing in his music videos. Does he have footage of them engaging in gay sex or murdering someone?
Plus, why are girls going nuts about him? Do they even look at this guy? Every time I see him, I think I'm looking at Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.


"I've seen Usher do things you don't wanna know about!"

I'm not one of these psychos who want him to die a horrible death, I just wish he would sound like he's hit puberty when he's singing about how he's in love with a girl. Look, I'm sure he's a very nice guy but...I don't know, he just seems very wimpy.


Anyway, I'm getting off subject. With the 2010 midterm elections coming up in November, it's becoming more and more clear that the Republicans are going to take back most of the seats they lost four years ago as well as gaining some new ones. Quite a turnaround considering that after 2008 people thought the Republican party was obsolete.


With the Obamamentum (Someone see if that word's trademarked or not) over with, the Democrats are getting more and more desperate but the strategy of blaming George W. Bush doesn't seem to be working like it has in past years. So, in their own desperation, they decided that the best way to appeal to the American voter would be to use an underage Canadian.


Yeah, now that you're back from that and changed your pants since you most likely pissed them, let's go over a few things.


I guess he watched the video...

Why is this in black and white? You're trying to hard to be edgy. Just show it in colour, stop being so pretentious. It's a dumb political commercial, not Schindler's List. And for God's sake, why do you have twenty people speaking to me? One spokesman wasn't enough, you had to give each one a five second snippet before cutting to another hipster turd?

It starts out with some guy who looks like he's trying way too hard to look like Seth McFarlane who says, "This isn't your standard election year video of celebrities asking you to vote."
Thank God. The last thing I wanna see in my commercials is some has-been actor from the 80's reminding us that they're still alive and then telling us what choices we should make.

"It's us. Asking you to vote for celebrities who can't."
If they can't vote, then they're shit outta luck.
"Celebrities like Justin Beiber."
WHAT!?
Why the fuck should anyone worry about Justin Beiber in this election? He hasn't lost his job, or in any danger of losing it at least until his balls drop? Seriously, I know Obama's kinda out of touch but Christ almighty.
Oh and it seems the smug has gone to your brain because if you did any research you would know that JUSTIN BIEBER IS CANADIAN!!!

Cut to footage of Bieber being chased by a crowd of screaming girls and then back to some chick who looks way too hot to be saying the stupid shit that comes out of her mouth.
"Yet whomever we vote for in the 2010 midterm elections will impact his future."

How? He's not going to care. Seriously, why don't you just make a commercial that says, "Republicans don't like Justin Bieber and shall kill his followers." Do, I care about his future? No, he's got his millions upon millions while some people are trying to figure out whether they should pay the bills or buy groceries.
Hey, why not say something smart like, "Whomever we vote for will impact all our futures"?

Cut back to fans cheering about him and then cut back to some homely looking chick who finally says, "And ours."
But the thing is, after that last hot chick, you were expecting you'd see her again, but they got...the other girl and you recoil in disbelief and shock, therefore probably missing her message.

Cut to footage of Bieber being hit on stage by a projectile and then cut back to the speakers.
"Members of congress may have the power to vote for or against legislation but we have the power to vote for or against every one of them."
You know, this is common knowledge if you're not an idiot.

"So tell your parents."
Make me, jerk.
"Your grandparents."
I said, 'make me', asshat.
"Your Facebook friends."
You don't tell me what to do...

"Your friends from karate class."

I don't do karate. I do boxing and you sound like you need a left hook to the liver!
"Your MySpace friends."
Nobody has MySpace anymore! What is this 2005?
"Your sisters."
If I tell my sisters anything it'll be that my parents have always loved me more than them.
"Your brothers."
I don't have any brothers. Jesus Christ, how big did you think my house was growing up? Where the hell would we put all those kids who my parents didn't love as much as me?

"Your step-brother."
I don't have one and if I did, I wouldn't speak to him.
"Your Jonas Brother."
My...what? Seriously, you're looking to get a liver punch soon.
"Tell everyone. To vote again in 2010."
And what am I supposed to do if they don't? Murder them?
"If they won't do it for you..."
You're gonna say murder them, aren't you? Oh my god, you sick bastards...
"Ask them to do it for Bieber."
Oh my god, you sick bastards...if they're old and smart enough to vote, then I don't think they give two shits about Bieber.

The commercial finally fades away to a disclaimer which says, "Not withstanding his great head of hair, Justin Bieber is an underage citizen of Canada and thus is ineligible to vote in these United States."
Why don't you just say, "We're stupid asshats, ignore everything we just said."
You'd think it'd be the end but then it cuts back to one of the speakers who whispers into the camera, "I love you, Bieber."
No, that's not creepy at all. And I'm sure that sticky stuff on your hands is just glue. That's what I'm telling myself.

How the hell can these people expect the American people to be swayed by that? No kid is going to tell their parent to vote for the benefit of Justin Bieber. Oh yes, your dad just got laid off and mom is working two jobs just to try and make ends meet, but we've got to do this for Justin Bieber. Was this commercial made by Joe Biden? Doubt that, the man can barely count.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Babies...they make you wanna go "KA-BOOM-DE-AH-DA!!!"

I have a feeling that the people who do commercials for Discovery Channel are going to tune it down with the "Boom-De-Ah-Da" song considering some bat shit crazy environmentalist tried to blow up the network's headquarters a few days ago. I guess he thought they were saying "Ka-Boom-De-Ah-Da".

This guy, James Lee, was later shot to death by police after a standoff that lasted a couple hours. He held several people hostage because he was really pissed about Discovery's lineup and how they weren't doing enough to save the planet. From the sounds of it, he seems to be a pissed off fan of Captain Planet who thought that the power was his...get it? Well, anyway, he didn't like shows such as Deadliest Catch and Cash Cab.

See, maybe if you watched shows like Cash Cab, you'd smile once in a while

He was looking for Discovery to be helping to save the planet but in his mind it was destroying it with shows like I previously mentioned. Well, here's the thing, dumbass, the network is called The Discovery Channel, not the "Save the Planet for Fat Emo Environmentalists Channel". Here's the thing, people like watching shows like Deadliest Catch, Cash Cab, Mythbusters and How's It Made.

They want to DISCOVER new things that they had never known before. We all know that environmentalist pricks like you just want to put panic into people and basically rule the world with an iron fist. Now don't start jumping down my throat, why don't you read the bullshit that would make a Scientologist scream, "Fuck me, you're nutty!"

I know it's lengthy but I'll sum it up for you with three words: HE HATES BABIES!!!!

Even this baby? Yeah. Especially this baby.

He just goes on and on about "disgusting human babies" to the point where it sounds like you're reading the orders of an alien overlord who has taken control of this planet but wants to reduce the chances of a slave uprising by the humans. Can I ask what's so special about baby rats? Or baby squids?

Sorry, dude, but you should adjust your attitude towards the human race like I did towards Justin Beiber. Yeah, like the human race he can be pretty annoying at times, often wasting time doing nothing, and just plain confusing. But the thing is, he's here, nothing I can do to make him leave, might as well live with it. The same goes for humans.

He even goes off on a tangent about illegal immigration and "anchor babies" and how we should get rid of them. This is coming from a man who spent time in prison for smuggling an illegal immigrant into this country. Way to set an example for any pathetic followers you were able to get, dickhead.

So that woman got into the USA, probably settled down, got married and then had kids before Arizona kicked her ass out. Way to go, genius, you contributed to what you were trying to prevent!

I don't get why you're so against babies. Yeah, they don't contribute much in terms of conversation, have trouble holding their crap in, have a tendency to be fussy and can sometimes throw up, causing you to throw up the following night. My landlord's baby did that to me once; I got over it by the time I finished my five minute/five pound weight loss program (Which is a fancy term for vomiting)

I know that this isn't going to do any good for him now that he's dead, but for anyone else out there who worries too much about things out of their control and believes that babies pose a greater threat to this planet than the Klingons, I'll give you a short list of ways you can help decrease the baby population without resorting to violence!

Defeat the babies! The battle will be glorious and bring honour to your house. Qapla!

1) Castration-This might be difficult for some of you crazies out there...especially if you're a woman, but guys, you have to man up for the last time cause the balls have to go. No gonads, no goddamn kids. Remember, let the knife do the work.

2) Arranged Marriage Scam-Where am I going with this? Well, take a look at at the picture I posted earlier of James Lee. Yeah...not nice. Now imagine if that guy scammed you into believing that you two had entered an arranged marriage. Would you want to do it with that guy? No way, you'd rather be taking it from the Klingons. No sex with the man you think is your partner for life, no babies.

3) Go Into a Building Armed With Guns and Explosives Because You Don't Like What You See on TV and Hope the Police Shoot to Kill-It worked for James Lee