Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Asshat Commonly Known As Prince

You know, as people get older, they start to make mistakes a lot easier. Take my beloved Opa for a second. Sure he has views that prevent anyone in my family from running for office for about fifty years and he could probably write an entire encyclopedia on Seinfeld and the works of Bugs Bunny, yet occasionally he'll be fixing something and injure himself to the point where Mad TV's Paul Timberman would wince in pain.

However, all the amputations, loss of blood and bee stings can't compare to the sheer buffoonery that is the existance of Prince Frederic Prinz von Anhalt or as I like to call him, Prince Frederic Prinz von Asshat.

Ah, we were just talking about you

First, let's just make something clear: He's not a real Prince. He was adopted as an adult by the daughter in law of a German emperor and has publically admitted that the title doesn't mean jack.

For those of you, Asshat is the husband of former actress/socialite Zsa Zsa Gabor. You've probably never heard of her or seen any of her movies. In fact the closest you ever got to seeing her in a movie was watching her sister Eva Gabor voice the character of Bianca in The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under.

Behold, the face that launched a thousand furries

So yeah, since it's not fifty years ago and her name isn't in the news anymore, Prince Asshat has decided that the best way to remind us that she's alive is to keep up to his namesake and to the most assinine things you can imagine. So let's just look over some of the more memorable aspects of Prince Asshat's exposure in the media.

1. "Call the Maury Show, I know I'm the father!": Remember back in 2007 when Anna Nicole Smith died and people where shocked that a gold-digging, bloated, alcoholic, drug abusing, no talent, Marilyn Monroe wannabe, died of an accidental overdose and decided that they would cover her funeral like she had actually contributed something to society?
(Well, to be fair, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have Stephanie Weir's hilarious portrayal of her on Mad TV)

Well, off course with Anna Nicole Smith being dead, there was great speculation about who the father of her daughter was. While my name was often tossed into the mix, one of the many who came forward claiming to be the father was Prince Frederic. Yeah, here's the thing, Anna Nicole Smith only nailed old men who had lots of money to leave her when they died two hours after marrying her. What's even more laughable is that he said that this affair went on for over ten years. Yeah, right, I'm sure you just kept telling her, "The cheque's in the mail."


Why is it people who dress up like the Joker always seem to die of an accidental overdose?

2. "They may have stolen my clothes, but they didn't steal my pride!!! I gave that away years ago...": Since the Anna Nicole story didn't get him his own reality show which he was probably secretly hoping for, later that year, his Royal Dumbness found himself in a most unusual situation. It seemed that while sitting in his Rolls-Royce, he was approached by three beautiful women who wanted to take pictures with.

Hoping that they would later die of an accidental OD, Asshat obliged, knowing that a picture might be used as evidence that he fathered one or all of their children. However, as soon as he opened the door he was robbed at gunpoint, stripped naked and bound him handcuffs. Despite no handcuffs being found at the scene of the crime, the assailants were never found.


OK, not even those freaks who pretended their kid was in the runaway balloon were this desperate for a reality series. No handcuffs were found, and yet despite taking all your stuff (clothes, ID, wallet), they just happened to leave behind your cellphone? You make these robbers out to be cunning and manipulative and the next second they're as stupid as you are. Try harder next time, or claim you're in a runaway balloon.

"Hello, ladies."


3. "Let's run for Governor like it's 2003!": Remember back in 2003 how California was having a recall election and everyone from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Gary Coleman to porn star Mary Carey ran for the position of Governor.


Well yeah, seven years after everyone stopped caring, Prince Asshat (I'm not going to stop calling him that) decided he would throw his own hat into the mix. His reasons were running were simple enough: There had been an Irish-American, Armenian-American and Austrian-American running the joint, so why not a German-American?


Buddy, why not just say the following: "This state has been governed by people who aren't celebrities, people who were celebrities, so why not someone who would sell their nutsack to the devil to be a celebrity?"
Oh he also added that California had the best beaches, oranges (Talk to Florida, dude), wine and (I'm not kidding) pot.


Sadly he had to drop out of the race due to his wife's ailing health. He may be an asshat but at least he's not a doucebag who would exploit her illnes to get sympathy votes.


4. "Get me my medicine. It's right next to the rat poison.": This happened just recently and to be honest, I nearly pissed myself when I read the story. A few days ago, hoping that the ghost of Christmas yet to come would finally reward him with a reality show, he accidently glued his eye shut.


Now, as I said earlier, when we get older, we make mistakes a lot easier but why in the name of god would you keep nail glue right next to your eye drops. Also, why in the hell wouldn't you look at what you're grabbing? What makes this even more stupid is the fact that he admitted that Zsa Zsa doesn't even use the nail glue anymore.

SO WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, ASSHAT!?


So yeah, in short, Prince Asshat is a danger to himself and most likely others and would be best kept under 24 hour guard in a room with padded walls and shock treatments every twelve hours. My only hope is that my own grandparents can age with grace and dignity and not one day accidently bruth their teeth with a jackhammer.


"There's nothing wrong with eating rotten fruit!"

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Best Christmas Specials Never!!!

I haven't been posting as much and that pisses me off because it means that once again, the only way I can get motivated to write is when my dad gets a letter to the editor published in the newspaper. This time my dad basically says that life should be like Grand Theft Auto and if he sees a man on a bicycle, he should have the right to run him over...and then back up and do it again.


Or something like that. Truth is I couldn't really pay too much attention to the letter since the sound of my blood boiling, due to being outdone by a man who has so much trouble operating the computer that I think the only piece of technology he is safe around is his electric toothbrush, was quite distracting.

Here we see my father on an everyday afternoon drive

Well, it's Christmastime right now. M'Lord and M'Lady put the tree up a few nights ago and every radio station from hell has decided that they will make our ears bleed with every godawful Christmas song from "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" (Nothing like a fatal hit and run to bring out the Christmas spirit) and "Last Christmas", perhaps the most awful Christmas song ever created. Dude, there's a reason she gave your heart away: YOUR SONG SUCKS ASS!!!


And of course, those timeless Christmas specials you see every December to remind you how cool it was when you were a kid. And also to remind you how crappy animation was back when my parents were kids, which for some reason, still holds up to this day.


Now on DVD, the timeless story of a beloved relative being murdered by a holiday icon on Christmas eve. Rated NC-17


But I keep thinking about Christmas themed episodes that we never got to see. As we all know, there are lots of scenes in movies and TV shows that are filmed but ultimately cut out. And in some cases there are episodes that are written and ready for production but they just never get around to filming. The outline/script is usually tossed aside never to be seen or heard from again unless WikiLeaks finds it or something.



However, thanks to my training with MI6, CIA, NSA, FBI, the League of Super-Ninjas from the year 8246 as well as a brief stint on the Enterprise-D, I've uncovered lost Christmas story outlines for classic shows you didn't even know existed. Let's take a look.



Yeah, Starfleet security really sucks when they lose to the floor


1. The Brady Bunch-A Very Mysterious Brady Christmas (Original intended air date: 12/14/73):

Boy, no one really liked Cousin Oliver. There were campaigns to write him out of the show however none went to the extreme lengths one writer took for this Christmas themed episode. The Brady family was to awaken Christmas morning, ready to open presents but quickly discover that Oliver is missing!

Moments later Carol Brady finds a note (Written in handwriting very similar to Bobby's) demanding a ransom of $118,000 to be delivered by Mike at a location which the kidnappers would later reveal. They were also warned that if they involved the police that Cousin Oliver would be killed. So naturally the Brady family drew straws and of all people, Alice won the opportunity to possibly put Oliver in jeopardy.

However once the police arrived, the officers in question asked the Brady family if any of their dumb asses bothered to look for Oliver's unlikable ass. Oliver would later be found by Greg, bound and gagged in the family's wine cellar. When questioned about what happened, Oliver would simply look at Bobby and say he couldn't remember. The episode ends with a nice turkey dinner which the police are invited to.

The episode was scrapped because it seemed too dark for a Christmas episode and the producers thought that it would be wrong to tease the audience with the hope of being rid of Oliver.

How could anyone want to harm this face?


2. Two and a Half Men-God Damn Us, Everyone (Original intended air date: 12/15/10):

Yes, the episode would have aired today, believe it or not. It lay in production hell but was found in early December of last year. Having already filmed the remaining episodes of 2009, the crew decided to put it on hold until next year.

The episode involved Charlie, Alan and Jake decide to get away for the holidays and spend Christmas at a nice resort in Colorado. However things go awry when Alan annoys Charlie to the point where he grabs a knife and threatens to kill his brother and nephew on Christmas day. Jake makes a frantic call to 911 and the police are later called and Charlie is arrested.

This episode never saw the light of day simply because the producers thought it would be art imitating life and that there was only so much of his sordid behaviour that Charlie was willing to poke fun at. That and there were no jokes unless you can find humour in Charlie Sheen threatening to kill family members on Christmas day...which I can.


"Come on, damn it, it's called METHOD ACTING!!!"


3. Full House-Aren't Jew Glad It's Christmas? (Original intended air date: 12/20/94):

Yes, even the worst TV show of all time had a Christmas episode that went unaired. When little Michelle tanner discovers that one of her classmates is Jewish, she learns about Hanukkah and the eight days of celebration.


Michelle, being the hell-spawn that she is, takes this to mean that if her family converted to Judaism, she could get more presents. Thus she spends the rest of the episode dressed as a hasidic, refusing to eat pork and constantly saying "Oy vey", in the hopes that the rest of her family will convert.


However, once her family finds out what she's up to, they quickly explain to her that the holidays are not about presents, but about family and that the love and togetherness you get from them is greater than any present.


Michelle lets her family know that she has learned her lesson but just to make sure she does, the Tanner family give all her presents away. The episode ends with the family eating a Christmas turkey...except Michelle, who is punished with a nice cold pig's foot.

The episode was seconds away from getting the greenlight until the writer of the episode decided that it would be funnier if he included a subplot where Uncle Joey's puppet, Mr. Woodchuck, revealed himself to be anti-Semetic. Naturally, this killed the episode.

"Me in a yarmulke? How RUDE!!!"

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Feel Free to Answer

Is the new internet pastime making fun of Tommy Wiseau?

"You are TEARING ME APART, Schweitzer-Man!!!"