Monday, March 28, 2011

Schweitzer-Man vs the Nazis Part II


So there I was, downtown Calgary and I realized that I had arrived too early. So maybe I could have afforded to fall asleep on the train and arrive a bit late. And since it was cold, I decided to walk around and warm up. As I rounded the block for the second time I saw a group of women carrying signs so I decided to follow them to city hall.

Sure enough when I got there there were trucks for CTV, Global and various other media outlets. There were a few counter-protesters around, making name tags with goofy names like 'Pac-Man'; 'Tinkerbell'. I was thinking about putting 'Schweitzer-Man' on mine, but decided not to take one at all. If it looked like I had anything to do with the counter-protest movement, chances are that I would not have gotten as close to the skinheads as I did.


As one of my college professors once told me: "That's boring. Make it sexy!"


Which brings me to my next point. I have no idea which group it was that attended this. I heard some people saying it was the 'Aryan Guard' while other said it was a group called 'Blood and Honour'. It's confusing because the Wikipedia page for the Aryan Guard links it to the Blood and Honour website and they insist that they are NOT the Aryan Guard. Confused yet? But for the sake of clarity, I'll refer to these people as Blood and Honour.


So the leader of this counter-protest got up on the steps of city hall and announced what would be happening. There were going to be two blockades of police, one blocking the counter-protesters and the other blocking Blood and Honour with about a hundred metres or more in between them. I noticed a lot of the people there were wearing masks (Guy Fawkes seemed the most popular; I think those people were just hoping a fight would break out) and was told that it's legal so long as they don't do anything illegal. The leader of this was a long-haired dude named Jason who had previously been assaulted by members of Blood and Honour so I can understand why they would want to wear them. In their case it was "V for Very Unoriginal"


I don't know who said so, but shortly thereafter someone said, "There they are! They're down the street!" Cue the theme to Superman as I dashed down the street with my video camera in one hand and my other camera in my trusty camera bag. Before I could even get across the street I saw an obstacle in front of me which was the police barricade. Normally I would have done a flying somersault over them but thanks to my charming good looks and youth, they took me to be a member of the press and let me through.


As I got closer I could see the waves of two identical flags for Blood and Honour. As was earlier stated, there were not a lot of people. About sixteen, I imagine, most of them dressed in black, some of them with shaved heads (There was only one woman and she had pink hair) with bandannas over their faces. What mostly surprised me was how young most of them were. Most of them looked like they belonged in Germany's version of High School Musical. A lot of the older ones looked to be in their thirties and forties with big guts and faces that told me not a lot was going upstairs other than the theme to Benny Hill.


"We told our parents that we were going to the library to study...please don't tell on us."


The one in charge was probably in his twenties but you couldn't tell looking at him. He was just so short that you would have thought he was crouching or on his knees. I'm surprised that nobody went up and kicked him. Not because he's a Nazi (Kick all Nazis, not just short ones) but just to see how far the little guy would fly.


The whole couple of hours I was out there consisted of Blood and Honour getting blocked by police at one block so then they would try and go around the block only to find that the police moved faster than a bunch of fat white guys who probably won't lose a pound despite all the walking they did. Aside from shouting "WHITE PRIDE WORLDWIDE" they really didn't do anything.


At one point one of them got right up in the face of one of the officers in the barricade and began shouting at him. They were the ones who deserved to be at City Hall. They weren't the violent ones. The officer just kept quiet and let the moron rant away. "That's right, hide behind your sunglasses," he sneered at the cop as he went back to join his friends who were all hiding behind their bandannas.



"We're so full of pride that we're going to hide our faces so no one knows who we are...wait, what?"


And that was it, walk, get blocked, shout and repeat. On and on. I don't know what in the hell these dumbasses were trying to accomplish. "Hey, let's walk around and wave a flag and shout the same slogan over and over for four hours! When we done, we can go back to the clubhouse and circle-jerk!!!"

And you know that last part is true.


Occasionally, some of them would decide to remove all doubt about their lack of intelligence and possible inbred family tree by opening their mouths to speak. "I got laid off from my last job because I don't speak Arabic," boasted some fat slob. I'm sure the fact that you were caught trying to have relations with a Basset Hound didn't help you either. And let's look at his actions right now. Instead of taking the opportunity to look for employment in downtown Calgary, he's going to just walk from one block to another, back and forth for a few hours, shout "WHITE PRIDE WORLDWIDE", show everyone how fat he is and then go home and pass out drunk during a Nascar race, muttering in your sleep, "They took muh job!"


It's fine to hate someone if they're an asshole, but to hate them simply because "der skin is blaak", well it makes me think that random sterilization isn't such a bad idea. Or maybe just for members of Blood and Honour. They must realize that separation of the races is just crazy and the pipe dream of the KKK and Elijah Muhammad. I mean, these people must have watched Star Trek and all the episodes (start video at 2:19) they did about racism or demonstrated that racism was something not tolerated due to it's sheer stupidity.


Wow, with you being unemployed, I'm glad you still have money to spend on the essentials like cigarettes.



Naturally I would have loved to go into full superhero mode and body slam these pussies like I was Hulk Hogan but sadly due to the massive police presence in the area, the odds of escape would not have been in my favour. But if there was one idiot who deserved it, it was a man I nicknamed 'Leprechaun-Nazi Douche'. He was wearing a large Leprechaun hat despite St. Patrick's day having passed. He walked around with Blood and Honour and would say stupid shit like, "You got these people that come from Sudan and they have like eight kids and they start selling drugs and listening to rap music."


Oh right, Mr. Leprechaun-Nazi Douche. Because as we all know, white people never have an abundance of children, listen to rap or do drugs. No, it's all those evil minorities. What was even more sad was that the Blood and Honour people just kinda stood there and accepted it. Eventually Blood and Honour realized that after four hours of walking around they were pretty bored and going to go back to their clubhouse to circle-jerk. Mr. Leprechaun-Nazi Douche went over to the counter-protest side and tried to pick fights with anyone who would give him attention. I last saw him walking down the street all by himself.



"Look, I'm wearing a big leprechaun hat!!! I'm so crazy and original! Please pay attention to me!!! PLEEEEZZZEEE!!!!"


So with the Nazis on their bus and gone, I decided to leave as well since there wasn't going to be anything interesting going on anyway. In closing, I leave you with a picture of a happy police officer and a member of the 4chan community.


"Now that the Nazis are gone I can play paintball! Hell yeah!!!"


I'll just let this one speak for itself

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Schweitzer-Man vs the Nazis

"But my F├╝hrer, we are Nazis; we have no brains!"
-Nazi Captain in Three Stooges short Back From the Front


Ever since I was a little kid I was fascinated by superheroes and while Batman is my favourite, the first one I remember being exposed to was Superman. I didn't know jack about the whole backstory to him being the last son of a doomed planet until I actually started watching Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman when I was seven. And yeah, I don't care what people say, that was an alright show...until it got dumb of course.

But yeah, it wasn't until I got a bit older that I realized that Superman had been around the time my grandparents were young which is pretty cool. What's also cool is that they incorporated the heroes into the effort against the Nazis in WWII. While it would have been cool to see Superman use his heat vision to slow melt the skin off of Hitler's face, we had to settle for something more suited for the times.

Come on, melt his face! It'll be just like Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Which brings me to what I'm talking about today. I was walking home from the bus stop when I saw a sign attached to a streetlight. Apparently what my history teachers in high school taught me was just a lie because Nazis are alive, well and probably smell twice as bad now as they did in the 30's and 40's. They're holding a White Pride parade and anti-racism march is being planned and I plan to be in attendance with camera in hand.


Nazis piss me off. I remember watching documentaries about hate-groups in high school and most of them were the same story: Fat and friendless in high school, decided to become a Nazi so that way you'll be accepted somewhere blah blah blah. Then they go to prison, meet up with more Nazis, get some stupid tattoos and basically ink themselves so stupidly that it's impossible for them to interact in normal society...like this jackass.

Just the kind of guy you hope your daughter brings home

Naturally with such ignorance out in full force, I could be tempted to unleash my superpowers and beat all up and drop them off at the nearest Jewish doctor's office but instead, I've devised a few ways that you can have fun with Nazis. That's right, fun with Nazis.


1) Bring Three Stooges Videos-
If you're going to do this, I recommend Back From the Front or any other sketch where they parody Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party like You Nazty Spy. But if you want to really offend these asshats, then go with Back From the Front.


After all, what's going to piss off some Nazi's more than the story of three Jews who board the S.S. Schiklgruber and easily defeat it's entire crew and dispatching of the captain and his officers by having Moe Howard dress up as Hitler?

"Hang Hitler."



2) Insist that Everybody's Home is Africa-I watched the boxing documentary When We Were Kings about the Ali/Foreman 'Rumble in the Jungle' in Zaire. At one point Foreman can be clearly heard saying, "Africa is the cradle of civilization. Everybody's home is Africa."


Everybody you say? Christ, just try to say that to a Nazi and not have him foaming at the mouth in pure rage.



2A) Ask What their Real Name is-
Go the Nation of Islam route. I remember a scene from Malcolm X where he is asked what his real name is by his Muslim preacher. He gives his full name but is then told that that name (Malcolm Little, specifically the surname) is the name of the slave owners who owned his family.

And since everybody's home is Africa...well, for all I know Schweitzer was probably some evil plantation owner in Africa! In fact, I bet that history has twisted his image so that he looks like some great man who won the Nobel Prize. Thank God my family escaped his clutches decades ago! But in escaping, we forgot our true names that were given to us.



Albert Schweitzer: Nobel Prize winner, humanitarian, slave master.



3) Remind them that "Buffalo Bill" was probably a Nazi-
Some of you might be aware of this but in The Silence of the Lambs, the transvestite serial killer Buffalo Bill can be seen with a swastika in his bedroom when he's going for his gun. It's one of those 'blink-and-you-miss-it' scenes. Now what the hell a transvestite is doing with a swastika in his/her bedroom really has me scratching my head.

Still, in all reality, these Nazis probably have Buffalo Bill up there with Hitler. We know that even though these Nazis hate anyone who's not white or straight but in all honesty, they wish they could be Buffalo Bill. Hell, this might not make them mad so much as it may help them.

"It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it reads Mein Kampf again."


I'm looking forward to this rally in two weeks. Hopefully I can get some good pictures and some funny stories while I'm there. Stay tuned...