Friday, April 29, 2011

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense Part II

I know that with lists like these it seems that I really enjoy tearing into George Lucas' work. I don't...except for the stuff made after Return of the Jedi. OK, I'm lying if I say that I hate the prequel trilogy. I don't but at the same time I think there are a lot of things that could be improved upon it. However everything that can be said has alraedy been done by people who do much better work than me.



But I'm not here to take another stab at the bizzare elections of other planets or Hayden Christansen. Instead most of the stuff I cover is from the original trilogy. And with that said, let's begin.



...Jar-Jar Binks never existed



1) Stormtroopers are Precise?-In A New Hope, upon finding the sandcrawler that sold him R2-D2 and C-3PO destroyed, Luke Skywalker assumed it was done by the sand people (AKA: Tusken Raiders-are they Italian?). However Obi-Wan Kenobi points out that this is not the case due to the Bantha tracks in the sand. He then moves Luke closer and shows him the blast marks.



Obi-Wan: "And these blast points-too accurate for sand people. Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise."


Remember that last sentence because the next time we see Stormtroopers trying to shoot something, their target is the unsuspecting (and momentarily stationary) Han Solo just as he is about do leave Mos Eisley. There are about five or six Stormtroopers shooting and not one of them come close to hitting Han. In fact, I can think of only a few instances where a stormtrooper has managed to hit his target and trust me, there aren't a lot.


"Please, God, just let me hit something!"



2) Who Needs Sight to Land?-In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke goes to the planet Dagobah to train with Yoda. He moves to bring his ship down but is quickly blinded by all the fog. R2-D2 is beeping like crazy because he thinks he's riding shotgun with Billy Joel and Luke tries to calm him down.



Luke: "All the scopes are down; I can't see a thing! Just hang on, I'm going to start the landing cycle."



I know Luke is supposed to be a good pilot but to land a ship without seeing? Holy shit, the terrorists in Die Hard 2 would have been royally screwed if Luke was flying one of those planes. Maybe the Force was with him but given how he lands, I'd say it was dumb luck. Or destiny. That word is always crawling it's way into Star Wars scripts.



Another successful landing



3) How did Vader Know Luke Would Come?-OK, we know in Empire that Han, Leia, Chewie and 3PO are captured by the Empire at Cloud City to lure Luke Skywalker into a trap. There's just one problem: How do they know that he'll come?


I'm not kidding, it's never explained how Vader knows that Luke is aware his friends are in danger. I mean, for all Vader knows, Luke is partying with the rebels after they escaped from Hoth. He doesn't know Luke is training with Yoda. I mean, did they make an announcement over intergalactic communications?


And suppose Luke didn't go to Dagobah?


What if Luke said, "Ah, screw going to Dagobah. I'm gonna go to Sullest where the beaches are fine and the bitches are finer!"


That means he wouldn't have developed his Force abilities, wouldn't have sensed his friends being tortured and wouldn't have gone to Cloud City. Vader would have been like that kid who's still waiting for his deadbeat dad to return from the corner store even though he left five years ago.



"Look, he'll show up any minute, I know it."



4) Obi-Wan's Interference-Since Luke did go to Dagobah, he used the Force and has to leave to save his friends despite Yoda insisting that he stay and complete his training. However Luke feels he must go because Han, Leia and Chewie are his BFFs.


All of a sudden Obi-Wan appears all sparkly and ghost-like to appeal to Luke. However he and Yoda cannot get through to young Skywalker. They know he's not ready to face Vader but Luke feels he must if it can save his friends. Desperate, Obi-Wan tries just one more time.


Obi-Wan: "If you choose to face Vader you will do it alone. I cannot interfere."


Suppose Obi-Wan could interfere...what the hell would he do? I mean, he's dead! I know he can appear all sparkly and glowy but he's a ghost. He's not going to do much good if he can't move anything on this plane of reality. The worst he could do is try to scare the shit out of Vader but I doubt that would work. That or as Luke and Vader are fighting he could just keep saying, "Hey, cut it out! Stop that, I mean it!!! Hey stop it, someone's going to get hurt!!! I mean it, I'm going to get very upset soon."




"BOO!"

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Schweitzer-Man and the Freaky Deaky Tiki

When I took over the task of watching Lyle for Aaron and Katelynn, I was under the assumption that they would return the morning on Monday, the 25th. So you can imagine my surprise as I heard the door opening on the morning of the 24th as Lyle started pacing around like mad as the lock on the front door started to click.



Naturally since it was Easter Sunday I assumed it was an attack by the Easter Bunny and was just about to load my AK-47 to greet the bastard when it turns out that it was Aaron and Katelynn returning home. I could get into a whole rant about how Aaron had previously told me it was the 25th but I won't. And you'll probably ask, "Why would you want to use an AK-47 on the Easter Bunny? He's such a lovely, cuddly creature."
My answer: You clearly didn't see the Easter Bunny in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. That thing is scary.

This is the face of a bunny that will do horrible things to you...


Since I was such a good boy in taking care of Lyle and not burning down their house, Katelynn gave me a little souvenir she picked up in Hawaii. It was a miniature tiki. Mine was the god of money. She had also brought home the rock from a volcano which she meant to give to Aaron's mother. She also noted that it was apparently cursed or something.
"Perfect gift for your future mother-in-law," I said.

So I'm back in my usual home with a little tiki giving me face of either intended horror or constipation. However just before going to sleep this morning, I decided I would check the mailbox. Sure enough, there was an envelope with my name on it. I opened it up and was delighted to see my tax return had arrived from the government. I'm not going to reveal the amount, but needless to say, I think the tiki is working.


Behold my new God!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Donald Trump for President?

I enjoy politics, that's no lie. Anybody who went to college with me was aware of this because I was always sitting in the front row for our Politics class (Nerd) and listened to every word the professor gave out as well as throwing in my own two cents every now and then. And they also knew that I followed the 2008 election like it was waving a carrot in front of my nose. So I'd like to take this moment to comment on a person who is throwing his name into the mix for 2012: Donald Trump.

In 2012 Trump plans to become the first orange man elected president

I'll come out and say it: This is a joke candidacy. The Donald doesn't want to be POTUS, he wants to keep his name in the limelight since The Apprentice can't draw views like it used to and also because said reality show is in the dreaded "Celebrity" seasons (AKA: Shit nobody cares about).
And come on, America, you really want a guy like Trump as President? Politics is a harsh world to live in, with both sides throwing bombs at each other. You really think that a man like Donald Trump will be able to survive in a world like that when he started a war of words with Rosie O'Donnell? I mean, yeah, Rosie annoys a lot of people, but Trump acted like she had castrated him and then took a dump on his face. All she did was mock him, dude needs to lighten up. Besides, considering his hairdo has been a punchline for over a decade, you thin he'd have thicker skin than that.

I mean, can you imagine how it would be if a foreign leader disagreed with him?

SchweitzerMan: President Trump, what are you comments regarding Nicolas Sarkozy criticizing your new economic policy?

President Trump: Well look, Schweitzer-Man, Sarkozy is a moron and it's not surprising that he's the President of France because France is full of idiots. I mean, look at the Eiffel tower. It's the ugliest phallic shaped tower I've ever seen. I've been to Paris, had an awful time. Look, French people are retards, plain and simple. And if they can find their ass with their own two hands, maybe they can give me a smart reason why I shouldn't keep doing what I'm doing. Oh and be sure to watch this week's episode of "The Apprentice: White House" on NBC.

OK, maybe he wouldn't call all French people retards but at the same time I wouldn't put it past him.

Back over ten years ago, Mad TV did a sketch where Donald Trump appeared on a fictional BET show called Reality Check and was asked why he thought he could be President. The two fat hosts got laughs at his expense before Trump got upset and called them water buffaloes (Which makes me wonder if Trump wrote the dialogue for this sketch). Naturally they proceed to tear him a new one verbally but let's face it, that's pretty much how it goes with Trump. You either kiss his ass and tell him how much you love the apprentice or you're on his enemies list.

I remember liking this show...before it got over exposed

He's planning on announcing his candidacy on an episode of Celebrity Apprentice and already you can tell that he's not going to. He'll give some bullshit reason about how he'd rather spend time doing what he's doing right now but he'll thank all the idiots who tune in to see him tell them something they should already know in the first place.

Technically it's a brilliant move: Make a big announcement on a show that not a lot of people are watching to make the ratings skyrocket and then you can claim that The Apprentice is the biggest show on television.

Oh and stop with the Obama birth certificate thing. For Christ sake, you think if WikiLeaks could uncover anything it would be that.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The House-Sitters Club

People usually mistake me for a superhero given the way my name sounds. And the truth is that I usually like to help people when they really need it and if it allows me to show of the awesomeness that is me.




With that in mind, you shouldn't be surprised how quickly I lept into action last Tuesday when I got a call around nine o'clock in the evening from Aaron's fiancee, Katelynn. The following is a transcript of that call.



Schweitzer-Man: (Yawn) Yes?



Katelynn: Oh, Schweitzer-Man! You have to get to our place right away, you're the only one who can help us!!!



Schweitzer-Man: Damn right I'm the only one who can help. Now, what's the situation?



Katelynn: It's our dog, Lyle! He needs your help, this is an emergancy!!!




Lyle is a weiner dog who has a bizarre fetish for ovens (Not kidding) but is pretty cool for a dog. So if he's in danger, you bet your ass I'm going to help. Two seconds later I was outside Aaron and Katelynn's house. I decided to enter the house since knocking would only delay any rescuing that might need to happen.




Schweitzer-Man: I'm here!



Katelynn: OK, now that you're here, Lyle needs to be watched until Aaron and I get back from Hawaii early Monday morning. Bye!!!



In truth, what really happened was actually funnier than I made it sound but needless to say, I'm taking care of Lyle and he's really gotten use to me. As I'm typing this he seems to have fallen asleep on my lap.




It's cool having my own place, being able to cook my own meals, not having to hear crying babies although Lyle whimpers endlessly every time I go to the bathroom. One thing I wish the little guy would do is try to get a stronger bladder. Seriously, dog, just try to go twelve hours without pooping.

Admit it. You said, "Awwwwww" when you saw this picture

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Three Stooges Should Be Funny!!!!

The real three wise men

I can remember back eighteen years ago when I first saw a Three Stooges short. It was Malice in the Palace and was the part where Shemp is being chased by a guard with a large sword. Shemp decides to fight back by using a fencing sword to launch fruit at the guard and make him retreat. I nearly pissed myself watching it and to this day it still makes me laugh. I probably should have put a spoiler alert on there but if you haven't seen it already, shame on you. And if you're in that group of people that don't like the Stooges because you don't see what's funny about it or you think it's lowbrow, double shame on you.


Anyway, as some of you may or may not know, the Farrelly Brothers, the people behind There's Something About Mary and Dumb and Dumber announced many years ago that they were working on making a Three Stooges movie. I was intrigued by this because I had read Moe Howard's biography and thought that it would be interesting to see a motion picture about their lives and how they brought so much laughter into many people's lives.


But almost ten years it's been in production hell and then one day I learned to rather unsettling things about the movie: First, it wasn't going to be a biography, but continuing the Stooges adventures...in modern times. The second thing that was equally disturbing was the casting of the Stooges themselves.

Benicio Del Toro as Moe?

Jim Carrey as Curly?

Sean Penn as Larry?

Yeah, let that sink in for a moment.
Picard would make a better Curly!
First off, I haven't seen BDT in a lot of movies and I know he's a good actor but...you want to cast a Puerto Rican as the Jewish Moe Howard? Yeah, you could tweak his hair and he would look like the Latino Moe Howard but...just no. What is it with movie producers who think that anybody can play anybody? Don't they remember the successful casting of the British Bob Hoskins and the Columbian John Leguizamo as Italian plumbers in Super Mario Brothers: The Movie? Christ, don't they remember the abomination that was The Honeymooners?

Jim Carrey could play Larry in my humble opinion but as Curly, he's just miscast. To be Curly, you've got to have the right build for it. You've got to be a bit of a chunky monkey as Chef Ramsay might say. Jim Carrey is not a chunky monkey. The most he would do as Curly is mug for the camera and make high pitched noises like every other person who does a lameass impression does.

Apparently Curly is no big fan of the casting either...


Sean Penn as...I'm sorry, I can't believe somebody thought this was a good idea. Seriously, if I were directing this, I would look at whoever did the casting and say, "After I'm done kicking you in the teeth, you're fired." Sean Penn is not funny and he doesn't seem to have a sense of humour as far as I can detect. Hell, I remember him getting bent out of shape and pissy because Chris Rock made a joke about Jude Law at the Oscars back a few years ago. You think he can play Larry Fine?


Thankfully it seems that someone agreed with me because recently it was announced that former Mad TV star Will Sasso will be playing Curly. If you've never seen Sasso or any of his work on Mad TV, again, shame on you. His "Kenny Rogers' Jackass" is the stuff of legend and he could be described as a chunky monkey, though to be fair, he used to be a lot chunkier. I honestly believe if anyone can pull it off, Will Sasso is the man.
Of course, there's also talk that James Marsden will be playing Larry, which is a step-up from Penn but at the same time, the best they could get is the guy who played Cyclops in the X-Men movies and did jack shit through all three of them?

Hank Azaria as Moe? Is that supposed to just be a joke, related to The Simpsons, something else that used to be funny? Personally, I don't really care if this movie gets made or not. What I would like to see more of is Will Sasso though? Seriously, the dude is funny as hell.

If you squint a little....

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dancing With the Unemployed

I can't dance. As I stated in my last post, if I could my life might be very different. But for every theatre production I did that required me to move my body to the sound of music, I moved about with the grace of a drunk Helen Keller playing musical chairs. So like most guys, I really hate to dance.


However, after my last post, my music teacher friend messaged me on Facebook and informed me that, it is quite possible that she does know the lyrics to the soundtrack of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And to be fair, I really should have assumed that from the beginning. She's a music teacher, she's forgotten more about music than most people will ever know and it makes sense that she would know that.


It's kinda like me and worthless trivia no one else gives a shit about. It may take me a few seconds to recall it, but eventually I'll get you the information that won't add anything to your life. For example: What does the TIE in 'TIE Fighter' stand for? Twin Ion Engine.


Anyway, said friend suggested that I take a look at one of the most baffling programs to ever grace the airways, Dancing with the Stars.

You're gonna need a bigger barf-bag.


Oh, God, where do I begin. There is so much rage and hate flowing through my body that I'm not sure what to say or where to start. I'm not joking, I think my head is going to explode like that guy in Scanners because the stupidity is assaulting my brain from all angles.


After chugging a jug of Nestle Quik and eating an entire roll of Sweet Tarts in twelve seconds, I calmed down and relaxed. I'm strong enough. I'm man enough. I'm Schweitzer-Man. I trained with the League of Super-Ninjas from the year 8246 and if I can do that, I can tackle Dancing with the Stars.


OK, let's start with the whole concept of the show. Shows that have the word 'Celebrity' or 'Stars' in the title are a sign that it's going to be shit. Hell's Kitchen in the United Kingdom is done all by celebrities and not people who want to make it as chefs like the American version. That's boring television because if they have nothing to gain and nothing to lose then we don't care. Why should we care if someone who did four season on Coronation Street can make a proper mille feuille of sweetbreads? I remember when Dancing with the Stars first premiered on ABC, FOX came out with Skating with Celebrities to try and compete.


Now, if you're an actor who's only claim to fame was appearing on a shitty family sitcom that went off the air over ten years ago, does that make you a celebrity? Of course not. But don't tell that to Dave Coulier who was more than happy to appear on Skating and remind people that he wasn't dead. Don't know who he is? He was Uncle Joey on Full House. Really sad that the commercials for the show still referred to him as 'Full House's Dave Couiler'.


If by 'It', you mean your career, then mission accomplished.


Believe it or not, there have already been twelve seasons of this crap and America eats it up for some retarded reason. I mean, there's no way that a show this stupid could be on the air for this long. I thought it would be laughed off the air before the opening credits finished and yet it has endured. Anyway, since there are that many seasons, I'm just going to take a look at the so called 'celebrities' they have on their roster this season...


1) OK, first up we got Michael Catherwood. He's a talk radio personality who hosts Loveline and I'm already bored talking about him. Hey, if he weren't so busy and making more money, Rush Limbaugh would probably do good numbers. Probably a crappy dancer but it'd draw in the Tea Party crowd.


2) Wendy Williams-I hear that not a lot of people like this woman and she was relieved to be eliminated from the show. Kinda makes you wonder why she went on in the first place...? Probably because she wanted to fool herself into thinking she was an actual celebrity. Yeah, didn't work.


3) Kirstie Alley-Wait, what? That Kirstie Alley? Wow, from Star Trek to Cheers to Baskin Robbins for a few years and now this... I wonder what Lt. Saavik would say about such a career move. Or Spock for that matter.


"To assume an asinine reality show will save your career is not logical."


4) Chelsea Kane-She's appeared in some Disney programs that you never heard of unless you were babysitting somebody's kids or have pathetic taste and actually watch the crap Disney puts out. What's sad is that she's younger than I am and she's already reduced to DWTS. Don't worry, babe, make a sex tape and your stock will rise faster than Charlie Sheen's. Charlie just better hope he can keep milking his tour for as long as he can otherwise we'll see him next season.


5) Ralph Macchio-Sorry that you weren't in the latest Karate Kid movie. Trust me, if you want a career after this is done, you've got to the crane kick to either the judge who pisses you off or your dance partner. OK, it'll probably land you in prison for a few months but the video will get millions of hits on YouTube. And you could be a celebrity there....


6) Romeo-Hey, I remember back about ten years ago, you had released an album, you were calling yourself Lil Romeo. You were young, (appeared to be) talented and had a lot of money. The world was your oyster. It's amazing how in ten years that oyster can turn into a rancid scallop. Seriously, what is with these people being younger than me and already seemingly ending their careers? Sure, you could win but what the hell is that going to do? Seriously, I doubt many people in the rap/hip-hop community are going to be impressed that you won Dancing With the Stars...Season Twelve!


7) Petra Němcová-You're a model and the only reason you're doing this is because you're over the age of thirty. The modeling industry is cruel. However, you're tough, seeing as how you survived that tsunami in 2004. If you can survive that, doing the cha-cha should be a breeze.



Dancing...duh!


8) Hines Ward-This one kinda confuses me cause he's still employed. Ward is actually a wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not going to speculate on why he's doing it. Probably just bored. Needed something to do. OK, you're good. Am I done this yet? Oh, Christ, this has got to end...


9) Kendra Wilkinson-Ooohh...this looks interesting. A former Playboy model, blonde, pretty young...oh but she's got a kid. Oops and it looks like she jumped the gun on making a sex tape. I said that you should do that after doing DWTS. Well, whatever, Skanky, have fun titilating the senior citizens who tune in.


10) Chris Jericho-Oh, no way! Not you, man! The Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla? Y2-Freaking-J? Come on, you were one of my favourite wrestlers back when I used to watch WWE. Hopefully you make a return after this because you're still a good wrestler and trust me, given most of the 'talent' that pro-wrestling has today, either you or the Ultimate Warrior have to make a comeback. But if you get eliminated, do the Walls of Jericho on one of the judges. Then promise to meet him at Wrestlemania XXVIII.


11) Sugar Ray Leonard-...It could be worse. He could be making a comeback in boxing. In Ray's defense, he's probably doing it for the same reasons Ward is doing it; he's bored. Ray Leonard was the first boxer to earn over $100 million in total purses for fights. He fought everybody who was everybody, beat them all (The fight with Hagler is still up for debate after almost 25 years though) and probably has enough saved that his great-grandchildren will live comfortably. He could do a decent 'Ali shuffle' when he had to and always had great balance so you know, this might be interesting to watch.


But we know I'm lying when I say that. We shouldn't really care if Ray Leonard can Foxtrot or if Romeo can do the Hokey-Pokey or if Jericho can do the Macarena. Do you know why, because when they're finished, they're never going to do it again. Shame on the people who watch this program week after week. Shame on you for having such low standards of entertainment and punishing yourselves for said standards with such awful stupid programs.


If you're going to watch a reality show, have it involve real people trying to achieve real goals. Hoping to get somewhere, overcome an obstacle. Reality shows with real people!



...If you see anybody who watches this show, hit them hard. Very hard. And don't stop until they're crying AND bleeding

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Victoria Jackson: Hating Glee For All The Wrong Reasons

Does anyone else hear that theme from "The Omen" when looking at this picture?


I don't watch a lot of television and the shows that I do watch are viewed on my laptop screen before I go to sleep. One of the few shows that I watch on a regular basis is Glee. Yeah, yeah, laugh your ass off at it, I don't care. Surprise, surprise, but I was a theatre geek in high school and could act my ass off. It's fair to say that I was a pretty good actor. A pity I couldn't dance otherwise I might be in a totally different situation than I am now but...


Anyway, on the show there's a character named Kurt Hummel who is openly out, which you would kind of expect in a show about theatre geeks who love to sing and dance. Anyway, he's at this private school which is all boys (Doing my best not to make any jokes) and falls in love with another gay guy and in the latest episode to air, they both accepted their feelings towards one another and kissed. And a million fanfic writers watched their wildest dreams come true.


Does anyone else think he looks like a white Wilmer Valderrama?


So they kissed and out of nowhere and obscurity, Victoria Jackson from Saturday Night Live, way before my time, goes on CNN after making some rather mean comments about gays and the show itself.


I really don't want to get into a debate about religion. I have no problem if someone is Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu (Don't get too eager Jar-Jarvis) or atheist for that matter so long as they don't try to shove their beliefs down my throat when I don't want them. I come from a moderately religious family. I've been baptized, did my first communion and my confirmation and yet I'm still not guaranteed entrance to the kingdom of Heaven. I believe there's a God, and I believe if you're a good person when you die, you get into heaven. That goes for the gays, too.

 

Anyway, I watched the interview and after my ears stopped bleeding due to Jackson's dog-whistle voice, I realized that she was hating the show for all the wrong reasons. She shouldn't hate Glee because it has gay characters who kiss (I find it funny how she justifies herself by saying she has gay friends. Not for long, dummy.); she should hate it because this season sucks balls.



Well...not all of it sucks

For some reason, the writers have decided this season to make all the characters either unlikeable or just plain stupid. Everyone seems to be cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend with someone else. I mean, if you're a guy and your so-called 'best friend' gets one girlfriend pregnant and makes out with your next one cause she's pissy again, wouldn't you have strangled that guy with your shoelaces? Or shanked him in the cafeteria? Hmm, maybe I shouldn't watch Oz right after watching Glee.

That and there doesn't seem to be any real character growth. Now I'm probably going to get some Glee fan who says, "Heyyy!!! That's not truuu!! Rachel broke up with Finn!!! That's growth!!!" No it's not. It's just something that happens to her. She's still the same selfish, diva bitch whom I'm surprised no one has punched yet. She reminds me of a girl I acted with once and thankfully it was only once, always demanding the spotlight and being a stage Nazi. How often do we see Rachel getting upset because she can't get a solo or something else that doesn't put her in the spotlight thus justifies her acting like a bitch the entire episode and getting a solo at the end to show she's sad.

Apparently the truth hurts...

It applies to all the characters. It looked like they were really going to make Sue change her ways from Season 1 at the beginning of this season but then she went back to her old ways about two episodes in with her trying to destroy the Glee club like a really shitty Batman villain from the sixties. But it worked in Batman because the show was a giant spoof/parody and it knew it. Glee is becoming a parody of itself and seems to think it's being fresh and original just because they seem to do a themed episode each week (Lady Gaga, Madonna, Rocky Horror).

Also, this one is just a personal preference, but the singing is too perfect. Take the Christmas episode, A Very Glee Christmas. Our first glimpse of the New Directions group shows them decorating the room for the holiday and they're singing...kinda what you expect on a musical show. I'm going to take a quick break to tell you about a friend of mine. She is a music teacher and very good one at that as is her husband. And as good as they are, I think they would even struggle to recall the lyrics from the soundtrack of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Seriously, it's not that the glee kids suck at singing the song, but it's just all so perfect. I mean, I know they're supposed to be good but...that good? Come on, I could go up to any choir in the country, ask them, "Sing me a song from an almost fifty year old stop-motion animated Christmas special and have the exact same rhythm and timing as the original", and they wouldn't be able to do it. I mean, it'd be funny if they screwed up the lyrics once in a while or just as they're about to start singing have someone raise their hand and say, "Sorry, I don't know that one."

"What makes you think I know the lyrics?"

That whole Christmas episode bothered me in general because the writers decided that they would take one character and turn her from a cute airhead to full blown retarded. I'm talking about the cheerleader Brittany. I know it's a Christmas episode, but did they really need to say that she still believed in Santa Claus and that she believed that he could get her paralyzed boyfriend, Artie, to walk? I mean, she's making Sue Sylvester's assistant, Becky, a girl with Down Syndrome, look like George S. Patton.

And what's worse is that at the end of the episode she gets her wish! Artie gets these leg braces or something that help him walk just a little bit which were bought (Anonymously) by the school football coach, Bieste, a character who has been underused in my opinion. So wait, if you're a high school football coach, you can afford experimental medical technology so that a person who gets lost in a revolving door can have a good Christmas? Huh, so I guess all those teachers who bitch about being underpaid are just greedy misers.

Hey look, everyone, Artie got a Deus Ex Machina for Christmas!

Oh and what also blows is that they decide to have Rachel sing Last Christmas, a Christmas song so terrible that I have put it on my enemies list.


Another issue I have with the show is that it doesn't know what it wants to say. It's a cast full of diverse characters: Asians, blacks, gays, paralyzed, athletic, fat, neurotic and at the end of each episode they want to drill it into you that it's OK to be original and not a stereotype. You don't need to have blond hair, big boobs and whore yourself out there to be talented. That's a great message.

They don't do themselves any favours though when they decide to pose for pictures and basically pretend that they lollipop they're sucking on is a human penis. I mean, they try to give you that standard, "It's who you are on the inside that counts" message. But in reality, the message they send is this, "It's who you are on the inside that counts...until you land on a hit TV show. Then you can get those implants you desperately need!"


For a show that promotes diversity, it's funny that they had only enough room for the good looking white people...

There are a lot of other points that I could make about this show but I have only so much energy. The show isn't terrible by any means and though there are some people who would disagree strongly with that statement, I still watch it in the hopes that it will get better because it can be. In closing, I say this to Victoria Jackson: Judge lest ye be judged; let she who is without sin, throw the first rock. And if you're upset that there's nothing for your kids to watch because Hollywood is pro-gay, then turn on Bugs Bunny. My Opa loves that stuff and Bugs Bunny never does anything gay.

Nope, nothing queer going on here...

Saturday, April 2, 2011

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense

For almost a year I've been trying to compile a list of my favourite films of all time. While it may be an easy task for some it has been rather difficult for me because I love film. However one film I know which easily fits into my top 10 is the first Star Wars movie, A New Hope. Even though I saw ROTJ first, A New Hope has a special place in my heart.


I don't know too many people who haven't seen at least A New Hope or even both trilogies because they're very easy to follow. But lately I've discovered that there are some really confusing things in almost all the movies that no one ever brings up and they just confuse me. These are in no particular order so try to stay with me as I go from one spot to another in a galaxy far, far away...

...people actually appreciated George Lucas' storytelling abilities

1) They elected Queen Amidala?- In The Phantom Menace, there is a scene where Queen Amidala addresses the Galactic Senate and tells them, "I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee."


Now, I don't know a lot about monarchies but are Queens elected? I don't think so. At first I attributed the line to just a simple flub be it intentional or not. Amidala was under a lot of stress at the time, it's understandable to screw up a word or two. But then in the next movie, Attack of the Clones, she says that she was relieved that her two terms were up. So wait, the planet of Naboo decided that the best person to elect as Queen, to be their leader was a teenage girl? What the hell is the matter with this planet? They have a fourteen year old in charge and are then surprised that the Trade Federation wants to invade?


Of course there's another line in Clones, that Amidala makes that just leaves you in shock that the Gungans didn't take over: "I wasn't the youngest Queen ever elected." They elected a baby? Is that what she's saying? They elected a baby or a preschooler? Good Christ, what is going on?



The New Queen of Naboo. She was elected in a landslide


2) Princess Leia's REALLY Good Memory-In Return of the Jedi, just before Luke leaves to confront Vader, he decides to tell the Leia the truth about themselves (They're brother and sister). He starts off easy, to break the ice. This is actual dialogue from the movie:


Luke: Leia, do you remember your mother? Your real mother?


Leia: Just a little bit. She died when I was very young?


Luke: What do you remember?


Leia: Just images, really. Feelings. She was very beautiful, kind but...sad.



Now this would all be fine and acceptable except for the fact that their mother dies moments after they're born. What's equally baffling is that Luke was born first and he admits that he has no memory of his mother. Hell, Uncle Owen probably told her she died after a wild orgy with Jabba the Hutt and Bib Fortuna.


And despite Leia being just ten seconds old, she was able to remember that her mother was very beautiful, kind yet sad...the sad part understandable since she was dying and everything. I don't know how the hell this is possible considering most people don't remember most of the first few years of my life. Hell, do you want to know what I remember from when I was a baby? Shoving a raisin up my nose. Maybe Lucas shouldn't have rushed that death scene so quickly...


Oh and equally confusing is why she's screaming so much during childbirth. I've noticed that during childbirth in both Star Trek and Star Wars, despite all this wonderous technology, machines that make food out of thin air, abilities to travel across solar systems in a second...they still don't have a way to make childbirth painless. Why did they keep calling her 'Princess' after her kingdom was destroyed?


3) Obi-Wan's Relationship with Anakin: This is what Obi-Wan Kenobi says about Anakin Skywalker when discussing him in A New Hope.


"He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy. And a cunning warrior...and he was a good friend."


Repeat that over and over as you watch Episodes II and III. Obi-Wan is constantly on Anakin's ass like he's some demented kid who likes to start fires and isn't taking his ADD medication. I can't really sense any form of friendship, it's more like Obi-Wan's just tolerating him. Somewhere along the line I honestly think that George Lucas forgot to watch the first trilogy before writing the prequels. Here's some dialogue from ROTJ where Obi-Wan talks to Luke about his father and I'll give you my version of how it should have gone.


(ROTJ) Obi-Wan: "Anakin was a good friend. When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. But I was amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda...I was wrong."


(Schweitzer-Man Version) Obi-Wan: "Anakin was a royal pain in the ass 90% of the time. When I first met him, I guess he was a good pilot or something. He won this race that I never saw and to be honest, I really didn't want him around. I would have rather hung out with Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar, man! I mean, I thought he was dangerous. But then my mentor died and he sorta guilted me into training him. We...were at odds most of the time, I was usually yelling, he was usually pouting. And then he killed everyone so I chopped off his arms and legs. The end. Oh and that part about him wanting you to have his lightsaber? Yeah, I was just fuckin' with ya."


"Hey, Luke, want to hear some more bullshit about your father?"



4) The Younglings: Just repeat that word over and over to yourself. Seriously, George, why?


5) The Rebels Just Stay There-In A New Hope, we see the Rebel Alliance launch a squadron of thirty ships to try to destroy the Death Star. As soon as the battle commences Princess Leia, 3PO and other leaders watch the battle unfold on the computer and hear how they have fifteen minutes until the Death Star is in firing range of the moon they're hiding on.


Now, I'm not too nitpicky about the Death Star not just blowing up the planet they were orbiting and then blowing up the moon because there might be some other reason, like the Death Star can only fire it's main weapon once an hour or something-I'm just speculating.


But, think about this, they've got the plans to the Death Star, they're a pretty large threat to the Empire and if the mission failed they could always get more people to join...yet they're just standing around waiting to get blown up. No ships are being launched to get out of there, they're just watching. Hell, when the computer announces that the Death Star is in firing range, Princess Leia gives a look like she's thinking, "Ooh, we better come up with a Plan B." Good thing Luke was a good shot. I know that it's all for dramatic tension but...it'd be nice if someone said WHY they were staying.



"OK, they'll be firing in about four seconds. Does anyone want to go start the car?"


6) What Was the Empire Waiting For?-In The Empire Strikes Back, our stranded heroes of Han Solo, Leia, Chewbacca and C-3PO find refuge in Cloud City from Han's friend Lando Calrissian. Of course it isn't until later that we find out...




As the stormtroopers file in with their guns pointed at our heroes, Lando says, "I had no choice. They arrived right before you did."


OK, if that's the case, then what were they waiting for? They let them feel comfortable, change their clothes...why? What was the point of that? Were they so busy touring Cloud City that they just forgot and cried, "Oh shit, we forgot we got to capture the rebels."


Hell, a stormtrooper blows up C-3PO just a few minutes after they arrived. So what, was Darth Vader just feeling like a dick and decided, "I'm going to ruin their vacation!!!" Oh and as an added bonus, Han sees Vader and right there decides to try and blow his brains out. It doesn't do him any good, mind you, but there you go George Lucas: Han DID shoot first! Although now that I've pointed it out he'll probably re-release ESB and change the scene so that Vader gets off a shot that he stupidly misses. God, I need a drink just thinking about that.


7) It was NOT a Trap!-We all know the meme. Even those who never saw ROTJ know of the line and even the name of the character who said it. But if you really think about it, Admiral Ackbar was not much of leader and neither was Lando.


So, the Rebels have got all their ships to do a 'Do-Or-Die' showdown with the second Death Star, with smaller, one-man fighters flying inside and blowing it up by destroying it's reactor. However to get inside, the Death Star's shield, which is generated on the moon of Endor, must be deactivated. So they arrive and found out it's still up just as they're about to go in. So all the ships turn around and one officer shouts, "Admiral, we have enemy ships in sector 37!"



So the fleet turns around to find an armada of Imperial Star Destroyers waiting for them however only the small TIE fighters are attacking. Things quickly change when the Death Star starts firing on the Rebel ships. So Lando decides that the only way for them to survive is for them to engage the Star Destroyers at point blank range, which upsets Ackbar.


Ackbar: At that close range we won't last long against those Star Destroyers!


Lando: We'll last longer than we will against that Death Star. And we might just take a few of them with us!


Now, I don't claim to know what was going through Lando's mind when that battle was happening. But I really think he forgot how vast space really is. For example, he knows that on one end, there is a powerful space station and at the other, there is a fleet of enemy ships? Two questions: 1) Why didn't Lando order the fleet to go around the Death Star?



There sure is a lot of...space behind the Death Star...


I mean, the Death Star doesn't look like it can turn 360 in a few seconds and it would take the Star Destroyers time to catch up.


2) Why not just...go down? I don't mean surrender but why not just use your thrusters and descend like, 5000 meters? Kirk did it in Wrath of Khan, why these ships can't is beyond me.


So, for Ackbar to claim that the scenario there were in was a trap, would be like if you were walking towards an exit when all of a sudden you see a mob of zombies marching towards you. Is that a trap? No, just use your damn head. Trap my ass.